


two loves, two graves

by ILJIDO



Category: Mamamoo, Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Black Mirror Episode: s03e04 San Junipero, Angst, F/F, Inspired by Black Mirror, Past moonsun, lil bit of existential depression, past seulrene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22976794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILJIDO/pseuds/ILJIDO
Summary: when joohyun loves, she loves with her entire soul. that's why she doesn't believe in falling in love twice. kang seulgi was the one woman who made her love being alive. but nowadays, she merely exists in a medical facility, waiting for her final day to come.spending a lifetime together was enough for her wife, but byulyi wanted more. the world has so much to offer and she wanted all of it. paradise did exist, yet it was one filled with the absence of kim yongsun.what happens when two lovers are left behind in a perfect forever?moonrene san junipero au
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Comments: 24
Kudos: 80





	1. the start

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is self-indulgent like this ship  
> crossposted on [aff](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1442757/two-loves-two-graves)

The room is quiet with the exception of the beeping of machines that are working to keep Kim Yongsun alive. Her wife of almost fifty years sits by her bed, wrinkly hands holding on to a large tablet containing information that would determine what happens to her in the near future.

Moon Byulyi’s eyes scan the document over and over again, her eyesight isn’t what it used to be and she wants to make sure that she’s really read everything through. She knows what her wife’s final wish is, a few taps of her fingers on this screen would grant it.

Permanently.

“ Byul-ah? “ Yongsun’s voice wheezes weakly through the oxygen mask that’s keeping her alive, “ Byul … “ she calls out for her wife’s attention.

The ex-rapper shifts from her position, putting the tablet aside and reaching for her wife’s hands.

“ I’m here, ddunie, “ Byulyi smiles sweetly at the sickly woman, “ what do you need? “

“ Nothing … You just looked so serious, “ Yongsun could never fail to put a smile on Byulyi’s face even when she’s lying on her deathbed.

Byulyi scoffs lightly and kisses her wife’s hand gently, “ I’m old now, it’s getting hard to read. “

The two retired idols are in a private room of the hospital that Yongsun has been in for the past few months, age has been catching up to them and her health has been deteriorating more quickly as the weeks go by. Their hair, which used to be a multitude of colors, are both gray and ashy now. Byulyi loves to bring up the incident where the immigration officers didn’t think Yongsun was Korean because she had blonde hair back then, she teases that she could probably pass off better as a foreigner now that she’s picked up English. This used to earn Byulyi a smack on the arm, but lately, Yongsun can only manage a scoff under her oxygen mask.

Byulyi knows that she doesn’t have much time with the woman she’s spent almost her entire life with and it scares her, most nights she cries in the empty space left by Yongsun in their shared bed. Byulyi would never let her wife know though, if she did, she’d be worried and maybe even swayed to change her mind.

_“ Byul-ah, when I go, do you think you’ll find someone else? “_

Yongsun’s question takes her by surprise, as far as death is concerned, they don’t ever talk about it. The only exception being that Yongsun wants to move on instead of having her mind uploaded to the cloud. It’s the only talk that the two of them ever needed and Byulyi never thought more about that, except for how she’s going to live life without her Yongkong.

“ What’s with this, Yong-ah? “ Byulyi dodges the heavy question with a small smile, though she knows her answer well, Yongsun would probably want her to find someone else.

“ I just want to know that there’s going to be someone to take care of you … '' Yongsun mumbles, her voice is hoarse and barely audible, “ You know I can’t trust you with Wheeinie and Hyejinie … “

Byulyi’s nose scrunches up as she giggles lightly, giving her wife a gentle squeeze on her hand, she responds easily, “ What’s wrong with the Loser Crew? We’ve been together for almost sixty years! “

“ Yah … you’re going to end up breaking your back if you continue to play with them … “ Yongsun chides as she lifts Byulyi’s hand up and down, smacking it on the soft bed.

“ You already broke your back before you were even thirty, what’s wrong with me breaking my back now? “

“ Byul-ah, you’re almost 80 ... “

“ And you’re 81. “

“ Yah … that’s not the point … “

That was one of the last banters Moon Byulyi ever had with Kim Yongsun, it felt normal, it felt like Yongsun wanted to make the most out of her final day. Even if it was just to make sure that Byulyi would be okay in a world without her, even if it’s just for a few more years.

Of course Byulyi lied through her teeth to reassure her wife, she could never tell her how much she wanted her wife to stay, how much she wished they could live out a perfect forever like most people.

The next morning, Byulyi arrives a little earlier than her normal visiting time so she has some time to sign all the official documents that would prevent Yongsun from being uploaded to the cloud. When they got married, she promised she’d do anything to make Yongsun happy, and if her final wish is to leave, Byulyi would agree without any regrets.

_Or at least that’s what she tells herself as she consents to Yongsun’s death._

The machines keeping Kim Yongsun alive are turned off at 10 in the morning, as per her own request. This would mean that Yongsun only has a few minutes to live once they are all off. Byulyi holds her wife’s hands tightly as she tries her best to control her tears, she didn’t want to cry in front of her, otherwise she wouldn’t leave with a peace of mind.

“ Take care of yourself, okay, Byul-ah? “ Yongsun’s voice is a little more audible now that the oxygen mask is off, but it’s weaker than ever, “ Make sure you eat well and sleep well … “

Byulyi nods with a forced smile, “ I got it, ddunie, you’ve been nagging at me for years. “

“ Because you’ve never given me a reason to stop worrying … Byul-ah … “

“ I promise I’ll be fine, come visit me in my dreams, okay? “

Yongsun could only manage a nod because it’s getting hard to speak without the oxygen mask, her chest feels heavy and she knows her time is almost up. As much as she worries for her wife, part of her knows that Byulyi will be okay in a world without her.

“ You’re going to bully me in your dreams too … “ she manages to whisper after drawing in a deep breath, her entire body hurts now that she’s off all sorts of medications.

It hurts Byulyi to see her wife in so much pain because she’d do anything to make it better, “ I promise I won’t, ddunie. “

Yongsun smiles and raises a hand with much difficulty to wipe away a stray tear on Byulyi’s cheek, “ Okay then, see you tonight. “

“ Mhm … I’ll look forward to it. “

There’s silence for a while before Yongsun wheezes again, time is ticking away slowly and Byulyi doesn’t know what to do.

“ _Yongkong_ … “ Yongsun begins to say with a small smile, this never fails to cheer Byulyi up, especially Yongsun made her upset.

“ Are you serious? “ Byulyi forces a laugh as she clutches her wife’s hand tightly, as if having one last banter would extend her time in this world.

“ Just … play along … “

“ Byulkong … “ Byulyi continues as she cries freely while Yongsun’s eyes begin to close,, “ Byulkong … “

“ Yongkong … “

“ Moon and … “

“ … Sunrise … I love you, Byulkong ... “

_“ I love you too, Yongkong. "_

* * *

Byulyi isn’t sure if Yongsun ever heard her last words, the grip on her hand loosens as she speaks. Time stops for Byulyi as she falls into a chair behind her, she doesn’t know what to do with herself now that her partner in crime is gone for good.

It feels like she’s entered a haze the moment Yongsun’s heart stopped beating, doctors come in after a few minutes and Byulyi is escorted out. She doesn’t really remember what happens next but Wheein and Hyejin are there throughout the day and for the months to come.

Grief doesn’t hit her until she’s alone at home with nobody to talk to. Some days she’s able to function, but most days she relives their life with videos that fans have taken over the years. She watches video after video, hour after hour, her life with Yongsun has come to a close as much as she hates to admit it.

_Kim Yongsun has died._

She thinks about that a lot because not many people die in this day and age, not when _Eden_ is a popularized reality for the dead and dying.

On days where she’s able to function, which are mostly Saturday nights, Byulyi makes use of the trial of Eden that’s offered to all seniors above the age of 70. Wheein and Hyejin would make plans with their caretakers to plug them in at the same time.

It’s the same every weekend, the Loser Crew would meet at the same club, have some drinks, drive around and have fun.

_The only rule in the Loser Crew is to not be a loser._

The weekends help Byulyi forget the grief in her chest for a while, Eden acts as a place of solace for her. It’s a healing feeling to be young again, to have fun, to be reckless without any sort of consequence. These are all things Byulyi missed out on when she and the rest of Mamamoo were busy being idols, creating music that spoke to their fans and chasing after awards. Hyejin considers it making up for lost time and Wheein just wants to enjoy her definition of paradise without holding back.

It takes under a year of trials before Byulyi’s health starts to deteriorate, though she chalks it up to her age, her caretaker would say it’s the grief that stems from losing Yongsun. She hasn’t been eating and sleeping well without her Yongkong. She begins making plans, discussing it with Wheein and Hyejin whenever they see each other. The rapper, after experiencing months of Eden, didn’t want to leave and neither did Wheein and Hyejin. There’s so much of the virtual world that they’ve yet to explore, leaving now feels like a waste. Besides, after being uploaded, if they ever chose to leave, they could.

_It isn’t just paradise for them, it’s a second chance for them to live out the lives that they couldn’t._

A year and a half.

That’s the amount of time Moon Byulyi had to live without Kim Yongsun in the real world. After that, she’s a permanent resident in the virtual world of Eden. Wheein and Hyejin jump at the opportunity to become permanent residents with their unnie as well. The whole point of the program was to ease the strain caused by the ageing population, so them signing their lives away to live in a perfect forever was more than welcomed by the government.

It didn’t matter much to the Loser Crew though, life continues as it has before and if anything, the trio has been living life to their fullest, trying anything and everything they could ever dream of. There’s still rules and systems in place in the society they call Eden, people still have to get jobs, it isn’t necessary and it’s only if they want extra perks in the system. The trio wanted the added perks because it meant they could own bigger houses, nicer cars and the best perk of it all? Being able to teleport in an instant instead of having to travel with regular vehicles.

And though the thought has crossed their minds, Mamamoo wouldn’t be complete without their leader. Besides, they’ve performed all their lives, it’s about time they’ve tried something new.

So in their paradise, Moonbyul is a charismatic detective, Wheein’s a budding artist and Hwasa, a gorgeous flight attendant.

This is the new life for them, Byulyi wonders how long it’ll take before she’s bored of it all, how long it’ll take before the distraction of Eden wears off and she’s unable to stop herself from missing Yongsun.

Until then, Byulyi is bent on living like she’s never died.

* * *

It’s been about a full year since the Loser Crew has fully migrated into Eden and it’s still the three of them. They have fun with strangers every once in a while but making friends outside of their friend group is a foreign concept to the trio.

Being in Eden helps Byulyi overcome her grief, but some days she’s still reminded of Yongsun. On those days, it helps that she’s able to visit the places they’ve been to before with a few simple taps.

Today, as she walks onto the stage where Mamamoo won their first award, she’s greeted with a familiar presence.

_“ Joohyunnie? “_

It's rare for anyone to ever be here, in this time period anyway. Byulyi has never seen anyone else here, other than when she's accompanied by Wheein and Hyejin.

“ Moonbyul-ssi? “

“ What are you doing here? “

The charismatic rapper comes face to face with the beautiful vocalist, they aren’t strangers, nor were they ever close. Years of being in the same industry have led them to be familiar acquaintances but never more than that.

Still, it’s nice to see another familiar face in this world, Byulyi notes as she closes the gap between them.

“ I could say the same to you, “ Joohyun shoots the younger girl a small smile, “ I’m only here for today. “

“ Ah … I see, “ Byulyi nods politely, “ I’m a resident here. “

Joohyun hums as her eyes drift around the stage that they are both standing on. They're no strangers to this stage even though it's just a replica. They've both had many music show wins here over the years and if anything, it's the only familiar place that Joohyun is willing to acknowledge here.

" It's a funny feeling to be back here, isn't it? " Byulyi muses in an attempt to break the awkward silence, " We've spent so much time on stage and when it's over, we come right back to it. "

Joohyun nods with a wry smile, " It's a little hard for me to process how technology can make things feel so real now. "

Byulyi chuckles lightly, " You'll get used to it, it'll be like you never died. "

The vocalist tenses up at the mention of death, unlike Byulyi, it's a foreign concept to her. She's still got a couple of months left before she really goes and frankly, dying still scares her a little.

" Sorry, I didn't mean it like that … " Byulyi rubs the back of her neck awkwardly as she realises how quiet the other girl has become, her words trail off and silence hangs in the air.

Irene has been known for her icy stares and that hasn't changed over the years. The rapper almost feels afraid of what the other might do to her.

The vocalist shakes her head slowly, " It's okay, I only have a couple of months left. "

" What are your plans? " Byulyi asks while playing with her fingers, the leader of Red Velvet has never failed to make her nervous.

Joohyun raises an eyebrow and offers a mere shrug as a response, " For today, I’m thinking about looking around this place they call paradise. "

Byulyi's nose scrunches up as she smiles widely, " Well, be glad you met me then, I know all the fun places around town. "

" Are you going to be my guide? " The leader asks with an amused smile.

" Well, it's not like I have anything better to do, " the rapper shrugs, " Wheeinie and Hyejinie are back in Jeonju so I'm alone for a little while. "

Joohyun nods understandingly, " What about Yongsun-ssi? "

Byulyi becomes quiet and hesitates for a moment, it's not that she minds people bringing up her wife, but every mention only makes her miss Yongsun more than before.

" She's not here, she chose to leave. "

Joohyun bites her lower lip as hard as she could when she realises her mistake, her memory isn't as good as it was before. She remembers hearing the news from her wife that Mamamoo’s leader chose to continue on to the afterlife instead of coming here to live out a perfect forever.

_In some ways, Joohyun blames Yongsun for inspiring Seulgi to leave as well._

Pushing all thoughts aside, she approaches the rapper and takes her hand gently, " Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, it just slipped my mind and– "

Byulyi raises her hand to interrupt the older girl, she shakes her head slowly, " It's okay, it's nice to know that people still think of her. "

" Let's go have some fun, shall we, Moonbyul-ssi? " Joohyun quickly switches the conversation to avoid dampening the mood.

" Sure, and you can drop the formalities, you can call me Byulyi or just Byul. "

" In that case, what are the fun places around here, Byulyi? "

" What's your definition of fun, Joohyunnie? "

" I want to go to a carnival, do they have things like that here? "

" Of course, they have everything here, let's go! "

* * *

Byulyi takes Joohyun by the hand and the two leave their memories of the past behind. They return to the era where they were at the peak of their youth, years that were spent on their careers instead of on their lives.

Even in this paradise, Mamamoo was still treated like celebrities. Moonbyul, Hwasa and Wheein have all gotten a taste of this post-death fame, it has its pros and cons. Blocking sasaengs with a tap of a finger is definitely one of them, but also being able to meet and befriend their long-time fans is an added bonus.

Byulyi, not wanting to expose Joohyun to this side of the system yet, decides to transport them to the other side of the virtual world. She feels excitement surge through her body as they move from the stage to a carnival all the way across the world, to a place where nobody would recognise them.

Upon arriving, Joohyun feels overwhelmed by the loud sounds and couldn't help but cover her ears. Byulyi hovers closely around her with concern, aware of the fact that the leader didn’t deal too well with loud noises.

" Are you okay? " Byulyi raises her voice slightly to make sure Joohyun could hear her.

Her words didn't get through to Joohyun as the girl looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. The rapper then signals to the vocalist to adjust the volume settings on her personal menu, the technology here’s amazing like that.

After tweaking the background noises, Joohyun removes her hands from her ears and Byulyi could only chuckle in response.

" Yah, you hate loud noises but you want to come to a carnival? " She nudges the leader teasingly.

Joohyun huffs and crosses her arms across her chest, " I didn't expect it to be this noisy … and I like playing games. " she admits with a shy smile.

" Games? " Byulyi raises an eyebrow with a confident smirk, her greasy tendencies haven't faded despite the years, " I happen to be very good at darts. "

Joohyun's eyes light up at the sound of that, " Are you challenging me, Moonbyul-ssi? I'll have you know they called me the goddess of games back in the day. "

Byulyi lets out a loud snort and waves the shorter girl off dismissively, " If I remember correctly, Joy-ssi was the best at games. Plus, Irene-unnie, I didn't think people under 158cm were good at games. "

" Yah! Moon Byulyi! What’s the point of calling me unnie if you’re going to insult me? "

The rapper starts running before the vocalist could hit her as revenge. It's a good time to appreciate that height changing isn't implemented in the system yet, otherwise, the former would never shut up.

Joohyun chases Byulyi through the entrance of the carnival all the way to the center of the fair. She stops in her steps to admire all the bright lights around her. Before her, stands various rides of all sizes, anything you wanted to ride is probably there and if it isn't, it could easily be programmed in. It's been years since Joohyun has been anywhere like this. The years after her retirement were quiet and relaxing unlike the majority of her life and it was spent with the one woman who's been through thick and thin with her.

The real her hasn't been out of the medical facility in months, every day is spent in and out of sleep, occasionally, if she feels up for it, her caretaker would bring her out on walks. Even then, with a gentle breeze on her face, life still feels bleak and colorless

_The world has become a harder place to exist in without Kang Seulgi by her side and she doubts it'll ever be easier._

" Haven't been to a carnival before? " Byulyi finds her way back to the older girl, " Was Red Velvet that busy? "

Joohyun glares at the cheeky girl and raises her hand threateningly, " It's been a while since I've been out, unlike you, I still have a physical body to live in! "

" Oh to be a ghost in the virtual world, experiencing life as it should have been lived. " Byulyi dramatically responds as she clutches her chest for added effect.

" I don't recall you ever being this noisy … " Joohyun sighs as she pinches the space between her eyebrows, " I wonder how Seulgi stayed friends with you for years … "

The rapper pretends to have been stabbed by an imaginary knife and groans, " Joohyunnie, your words are so hurtful, Seulgi loved me loads, you know! "

Joohyun rolls her eyes and cracks into an amused smile, she could see why her wife would’ve enjoyed being friends with Byulyi, " Okay, okay, enough with this, let's go play some games and let our skills talk. "

She begins looking around the area to look for the carnival games. When she catches sight of them, her eyes light up excitedly and she points towards the rows of toys on display.

“ Well, what are you waiting for? “ Byulyi looks at Joohyun with a small smile, “ Race you there! “

The rapper turned detective is fast and Joohyun cracks into a smile as she chases after Byulyi through the sea of strangers. It’s been months since she has felt alive, Joohyun secretly wishes that Seulgi could have been here to experience all of this with her.

The rapper and the vocalist spend most of their time on the carnival games, jumping from game to game and if Joohyun didn’t win, they would have a rematch. Needless to say, Byulyi got put in her place by the goddess of games and they both hold a handful of toys at the end of the night.

“ Okay, I’ll hand it to you, you really are good at games … “ Byulyi huffs as she holds a large rabbit plushie in her hand.

Joohyun laughs and sticks her tongue out playfully, “ I told you! “

“ One last bet, how about that? “

“ You’re on, what are we playing? “

“ That. “

By that, Byulyi means the big scary ride that spins at an intense speed. ‘Mach 5’ is plastered on the side of the ride and Joohyun’s jaw drops when she sees the ride in action. It’s spinning clockwise first and then suddenly, anti-clockwise, both at equally fast speeds which her eyes could barely follow.

“ Yah! I’m too old for this! “ Joohyun exclaims as she smacks Byulyi’s arm with one of the many plushies in her hand, “ I’m going to have a heart attack at this rate! “

Byulyi rubs the tender spot on her arm and laughs at Joohyun’s reaction, “ You can’t have a heart attack here, unnie! Besides, you’ve already agreed, so let’s go! “

“ No way! “

“ You said you wanted to have fun! “

“ Not this much fun! “

“ Yah! Joohyunnie! You can’t say you’ve visited Eden if you never even tried to live! “

“ … “

Joohyun questions her choices as she’s being strapped into the ride with an overly excited Byulyi by her side. Her heart has been pounding wildly since they stepped onto the platform and it’s only been getting faster and faster. It’s not like the rapper is good with thrilling rides either, but seeing how afraid Joohyun is calms her nerves slightly. Furthermore, living in Eden for a year and being friends with Wheein for years has strengthened her tolerance for thrills like this.

The ride kicks off and the older girl has her eyes squeezed shut, her hands grip the bars by her seat tightly and she’s praying for it to be over as soon as it starts. For the first minute, Joohyun is screaming her lungs out with her eyes shut tightly as the ride spins her entire body up and down, Byulyi on the other hand, is enjoying the wind in her hair, cheering and hooting with every rotation.

“ Open your eyes and look, Joohyunnie!“ Byulyi yells at the top of her lungs so the vocalist could hear her, she manages to move her hand over the other’s and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

The words that the younger girl said earlier ring in her head and Joohyun decides to live for a moment.

Opening her eyes, she watches the world spin around her and the night view feels surreal. She could feel tears in her eyes and she’s not sure whether it’s from the fear or the fact that she hasn’t felt this alive in a while. She takes in all that she can but her mind can barely process everything she's experiencing. With a wide smile on her face, she watches as the world spins around her without a care in the world.

The ride eases to a standstill and the two find themselves at the highest point of the carnival, even the ferris wheel looks short compared to where they are sitting. Joohyun is in tears at this point and she holds onto Byulyi’s hand with a tight grip.

“ Wow … “ was all she could mutter as her eyes took in the views the virtual world had to offer.

“ It’s amazing, isn’t it? “

“ I see why people call this a perfect forever now … “ Joohyun nods feebly, “ But I hate you for making me do this, Moon Byulyi! “

* * *

Joohyun can barely stand after the ride, her heart is racing too fast and all she wants to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Even if it’s virtual, it’s too much for her old heart. She sits on the ground just a few steps away from the exit of the ride, hugging a bear plushie that she won earlier and tries to calm herself. She's surrounded by a pile of toys and Byulyi wouldn't stop arranging them around her like mortals worshipping a god.

The rapper plays with the plushies that range from a bunch of different animals, she's currently playing with a cat plushie, making it bow towards the goddess they call Joohyun.

" Look, " Byulyi snickers, " It's like they're doing a ritual to summon you! “

After realising she’s surrounded by an army of plushies, the vocalist couldn’t help but snort and burst into a loud and uncontrollable laugh. She rotates in a circle, pushing over every plushie that Byulyi has spent the past five minutes setting up.

“ Yah! What are you doing! “ the rapper gasps dramatically as she rushes to return them to their original sitting positions, “ Stop bullying them! “

Joohyun laughs even harder at her reaction, she laughs until her stomach hurts and there are tears in her eyes. Using her finger to wipe away her tears, she looks up at the rapper who’s still busy rearranging her little army. Seulgi always spoke fondly about Byulie-unnie, Joohyun is slowly beginning to see how much joy she brings.

“ Now what? “ Joohyun asks once Byulyi is satisfied with her arrangements, she couldn’t hide the smile on her face now.

Byulyi glances at the augmented clock and notes that they still have some time before Joohyun’s trial is up, she hums quietly as she tries to think of what other places she could bring the leader to.

“ You’ve got about an hour left, where do you want to go? “ the rapper quickly gives up and resorts to asking instead.

Joohyun muses momentarily before answering, “ Can I still see the sunset? “

“ What did I say about anything being possible here? “

It doesn’t take much effort for her to bring her to the park by the Han River, every plushie that Byulyi had arranged earlier on doesn’t even move an inch as the world around them changes. Joohyun finds herself sitting on the grass, shielding her eyes from the sunlight momentarily as she adjusts to the changes in time.

It’s much quieter here compared to the bustling carnival she was just at, but the view’s just as surreal as before. Byulyi takes a seat beside her, just outside the ring of worshipping plushies and exhales quietly.

“ I used to come here a lot with Yongsunnie when we were younger, “ Byulyi reminisces with a sad smile, “ life’s much harder when you’re old. “

Joohyun nods quietly to acknowledge her words, she’s had her fair share of memories with Seulgi too, but they slowly stopped making new ones as they got older and sicker. She stares into the distant glow of the setting sun, the sky is a mix of oranges and purples. Even if it’s fake, it doesn’t stop her from admiring it, it looks real enough to her.

This world feels real enough to her, despite all her doubts.

The two don’t speak, they merely watch as the virtual sun goes down and darkness begins to swallow up the sky. Byulyi eventually lies down and stares up at the sky, for a moment, she pictures what it’d be like if Yongsun is still with her.

“ Thank you for today, Byulyi, “ Joohyun murmurs softly after a long silence, “ I had fun. “

The rapper cracks into her usual crooked smile, “ You’re welcome, unnie. Thank you for being my competitor today. “

Joohyun exhales softly through her nostrils, “ For the record, I won, right? “

“ Yes, yes, you did, “ Byulyi nods her head casually, tapping her feet casually against one another while she continues to watch the clouds move.

“ Will you continue to show me around next week? “

Byulyi rests her weight on an elbow while turning to face the leader with a raised eyebrow, “ I didn’t think you’d like this after that last ride at the carnival, are you sure you want round two? “

Joohyun scoffs under her breath, “ I think an evening here is too short to make a choice, I need another evening. “

“ Oh, is that so? “ the rapper says with an amused smile, she knew how new tourists are usually skeptical towards the system, after all, she was one of them too, “ You’ll fall in love with this place if you spend a couple of months here. “

“ I’m not going to spend a couple of months here, just one more evening. “

“ You wanna bet? You won’t just spend another weekend here. “

“ Byulyi, you’re not even alive anymore, what do you have to bet? “

“ Um … I have perks as a resident here, alright? “

“ No deal, just be my guide for another evening. “

Byulyi pouts and tilts her head, “ Fine, next Saturday, same time, same place? “

The leader nods with a small smile, “ That sounds nice. “

Maybe staying here and enjoying life for a couple of months could be fun, but she swears on whatever gods are up there that she will leave before she becomes a ghost here.

_She’s not going to live out another life without Seulgi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, thanks for reading, i hope u enjoyed it.  
> it's my first time writing for kpop girl groups, i literally just started stanning mamamoo and rv like a month ago and i fell in love with byul n irene,,,  
> so when i saw traces of moonrene on my tl, u best believe i nearly cried and began to write this and this probs isn't a popular ship but i just can't get them out of my mind u_u
> 
> i've pretty much planned out the rest of this fic all i need to do is to write it hhhh, it'll be like three chaps max i think.  
> also i'm only going to be posting on ao3 for now because aff is confusing to me.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lljldo)


	2. the fall

8:03pm.

Byulyi walks onto the familiar stage with her hands tucked into her pockets, footsteps reverberating through the empty place as usual. She tries to count the steps it takes, _one, two_ — but thoughts of Joohyun quickly distract her. She’s been looking forward to spending time with the leader again since all she has for company have been Wheein and Hyejin, it’s exciting to know that she has someone new to mess around with. 

Though with those two in mind, she chooses to keep the news about Joohyun visiting a secret from the two girls. As much as Byulyi knows the two would be more than happy to hang out with the leader, she doesn’t know how keen Joohyun would be and part of her doesn’t want to share this — _distraction_.

The last few years of her life have been good, she had everything she ever wanted, a long happy life, a wife who she absolutely adored, enough money to provide the best for her family. Byulyi was grateful to have a life like that, for her, it was the perfect life.

Everything was perfect until Kim Yongsun decided to leave.

Byulyi knows that Yongsun was both figuratively and literally the sun of her life, what she didn't know was how much her absence would impact her. The void in her chest begins like a hairline crack, slowly spreading until it creates a gaping hole in her chest that seems to swallow up any joy she's capable of feeling.

Eden did what it could to fill up the cracks — but it's never enough. Erebus is insatiable, it feeds off on all her dreams in the night, tormenting her even when she’s asleep, so when morning comes, she’s left with nothing but tear-stained sheets. Though, at times, with a distraction, she's able to ignore how hollow of a person she actually is. 

In this momentary reprieve, with whatever pieces of a person Byulyi has left, she’s able to feel like things are okay.

And Joohyun just happens to be a good distraction, _for now_.

The vocalist is already waiting for her, her legs dangling off the edge of the stage as she leans back on her arms calmly, humming an old song with pursed lips. It seems like she’s dabbled with the appearance settings in Eden because she’s dressed in a large oversized hoodie and sweatpants. Though she’s relaxed, her inscrutable face hides all the excitement that’s bubbling in her chest. She’s had a particularly tough week, being on new medications always made her more tired than usual and being able to log into Eden again is the only way she can escape the pains of her failing body now.

Hearing footsteps approaching from behind her, she glances over her shoulder to see Byulyi skipping over with an animated grin. Joohyun can’t help but return a warm smile, she softly pats the ground next to her, signalling for the rapper to join her.

“ Sorry I’m late, “ Byulyi apologizes as she takes a seat beside the leader, “ did you wait long? “

Joohyun shakes her head and turns to the rapper, “ It’s alright, I’ve barely been here for five minutes. “

“ So, any plans for today? “

“ Aren’t you supposed to be my guide, Byulyi? “ Joohyun retorts easily, “ So much for making me fall in love with this place, huh? "

Byulyi snorts and nods understandingly, “ Okay, I’ll remember these words, unnie. “ she drawls.

When the Loser Crew first came to Eden, they made a list of things they wanted to try out, titling it ‘The Loser’s Guide on How to Live’. Opening up the list in her augmented menu, Byulyi smiles at the first activity on the list, it’s what Wheein made all of them do on their first day. It should really be considered illegal but it acts as a rite of passage for all tourists of Eden because it proves to them how limitless this world actually is. 

Considering her reaction after a thrilling ride at the carnival, Joohyun would probably hate her for the rest of her life, for however long it might be, if she made the leader go through with it.

_Definitely no free falling without a parachute_ , Byulyi notes mentally with her lips tugged upwards in a cheeky smile.

She scrolls through the endless list with glazed eyes because nothing seems to stand out to her. Sure, there are plenty of activities they could do but if she is to make Bae Joohyun fall in love with this world, none of them would make the cut.

“ Give me some hints on what you like, unnie, “ Byulyi groans after a minute of scrolling, the list is much longer than she remembered and she’s not about to scroll through almost a hundred pages.

Perhaps she should've planned a little, she'll probably do it next week so they can avoid the turmoil caused by overchoice. Joohyun raises an eyebrow with an amused smirk creeping up on her lips, shrugging as she watches the rapper struggle.

" Come on, I gave you suggestions last week, " Joohyun grumbles as she nudges the rapper playfully, " think of something good because I want to be surprised! "

" I can take you free-falling but I doubt I'll see you again. " the rapper’s face scrunches up and she snickers upon seeing the vocalist’s reaction.

Joohyun glares at her with an icy stare, in a deadpan voice she shuts Byulyi down, " You're absolutely right, if you weren't already dead, I'd probably murder you. "

The younger girl sighs exasperatedly, as far as she knows, Joohyun is a rather tame person, even in her younger days. Whenever Seulgi spoke about her, the conversation usually revolved around how domestic and gentle the leader is.

Perhaps at some point in the future, if Joohyun continues to visit, Byulyi would show her how the Loser Crew defines living.

But for tonight, they could take things slow, not everything has to be about the thrills.

" I can take you home, make you dinner and then we can sit on the shore and listen to the waves, how about that? "

" We can eat here? "

" Yes, of course! Hyejin would never pass over if she couldn't eat! "

" Do you sleep then? "

" It's not necessary but it's an option to pass the time. "

" Wow … I can't believe the ghosts are more alive than I am. "

" Let's be real, unnie, you're just a body waiting to die in the real world. "

Joohyun's eyebrows stitch together at Byulyi's last sentence, she's not denying the truth in it but she's a little taken aback by how blunt the rapper is. The atmosphere tenses up as Joohyun doesn’t even make an attempt to acknowledge her ill-conceived attempt at banter.

She is just as much of a person here as she is in the real world, even if most of the days are a haze to her. When she’s lucid, she still feels emotions, she still feels pain, most of all she is still alive.

What does the dead remember about living anyway? This world isn’t even real.

Byulyi, who has been desensitized to topics about dying like every other resident in Eden, notices the heavy silence before realising her faux pas.

" Sorry, I made you uncomfortable, I tend to forget not everyone doesn’t care about dying ... " she mumbles, struggling to find the right words to form a proper apology, " it's just — well … everyone here is dead or waiting to die, even the tourists are merely floating between the two. The longer you stay here, the more death loses its grip on you. "

Strange enough, talking about death is simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing to do here. In the beginning, when the Loser Crew first arrived, it took some time for them to get used to how casual everyone was about death and dying. It was a shift that the trio quickly adjusted to with time and soon, they were just like everyone else, ghosts in a world that didn't matter in the eyes of the living.

The ghosts, or residents rather, have made their peace since everything in this world seems to come alive. It didn't matter if they didn't have a physical body anymore, it didn't matter that they were merely a chip in the system, nothing really mattered in a world without restrictions. With death gone, life doesn’t matter as much.

" It's easy for you to say, I suppose, " Joohyun notes wryly, her mood has taken a complete 180 and she quietly wishes midnight would come soon.

Death is but a mere door to the next life for Byulyi, but death to Joohyun? 

It could mean heaven, it could mean hell, it could mean an empty darkness for all eternity. As much as she doesn't want to think about it, the fact that her Seulgi could be in an endless void with no one but the darkness for company, haunts her. The uncertainty of what comes after dying is how death continues to have a firm hold on her.

She wouldn't allow herself to become a ghost here, to be so drunk on living that she forgets the weight of death.

_ That she forgets Seulgi. _

Not like she could anyway — it's been a few months and the ache in her chest still feels as raw as the first day. She's made her peace with Seulgi's death, but it never stops her from hurting.

Byulyi reaches over to grab the older woman's arm lightly, giving it a gentle squeeze, snapping Joohyun out of her train of thought. The older woman exhales softly as she gathers her thoughts, the last thing she wants to do is get emotional in front of Byulyi.

" Sorry, it's a little too soon, " Joohyun says through tight lips, being called cold and stoic is a mere understatement of how expressionless she can be, " I'll come back next week … Maybe … "

The younger woman feels her heart drop to the pit of her stomach because she feels terrible for upsetting her new companion. She knows that if she lets Joohyun log out upset, the guilt will eat at her for the rest of the week or forever, if the leader chooses to never come back. She has to fix this now. Biting her lower lip, she strings together whatever words that come to mind, whatever that will help fix things.

" Unnie, I'm an idiot and I’m really sorry, “ Byulyi says quickly, placing a firm grip on Joohyun's arm to prevent her from leaving even though the older woman still remains seated, “ but please stay, I promise I’ll be more careful with my words. “

The leader shakes her head subtly, " It's okay, I'm just not feeling up for anything now, " she murmurs softly.

" We don't have to do anything, we don't have to talk. We can just sit and listen to the waves. " Byulyi offers with an apologetic smile and a slight rise of her shoulders.

Joohyun, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to return to her tired body and sleep the night away, at least she’s still able to sleep through the nights. Yet, she remains seated next to the younger woman because part of her does want to stay. This faux world provided the perfect escape from the pains of the real world.

" Okay. "

The rapper holds up her end of the bargain, teleporting the two to her secret spot in this infinite world, looks like they’ll have to save dinner for another time.

* * *

When Eden was announced a few years back, many people jumped at the chance to live forever but there were skeptics as well. Researchers and scientists couldn't say for sure how this digital immortality would affect a person's mind in the long run and some seniors weren't willing to take the risk. Joohyun was one of those seniors with a rather traditional mindset and she was right to have her qualms about the system.

There were reports of how it harms one's mental health and a lot more side effects than Joohyun bothered to read up on.

Things did improve eventually, the pioneer batch of ghosts had it the best and worst and it took months for society to settle down in the system. When it finally did, it took weeks of convincing before she agreed to even let Seulgi try out the system and her wife coming back with a huge grin did help ease her worries slightly.

She still had her qualms, but she doesn't mind letting Seulgi go, as long as her precious girl is happy.

Seulgi did her best to convince Joohyun to join her in her weekly trials too, but the singer always rejected her, making excuses that she’s too old to party like a teenager. Looking back, maybe she should’ve accepted the invitations, there’s so much to do in Eden that they could have made so many new memories.

Memories that could tide her over the absence of Seulgi until she joins her.

* * *

The waves crash vehemently against the sandy beaches while a myriad of dim stars glitters amongst cirrus clouds. A briny tang lingers in the air and Joohyun can almost taste the salt on her tongue. Though it’s dark out, the moonlight provides just enough light for them to scarcely make out objects in the distance. The ground is dry as usual — it never rains in this spot despite how the outlying grey clouds threaten to pour. In the distance, a row of huge mansions line the shore and unbeknownst to Joohyun, it’s where the Loser Crew have staked their claim in this world. 

The trio share a huge mansion by the beach, it’s too big for the three of them but they decided they liked living in a luxurious house a lot more than a cramped apartment. It's too lonely to live alone in this world — something that they decided during their trial days of Eden. 

Despite the supposed signs of life, they are the only two making their way along the shore.

Byulyi knows this area like the back of her hand, oftentimes, when the world is a little too much for her to handle, she comes here to let her thoughts consume her. The waves do nothing to help block out her thoughts that rise into a deafening crescendo but they make for good company by her lonesome.

A small hand grabbing the back of her shirt reminds Byulyi that she isn’t alone now, making a bold move, she slips her hand into Joohyun’s and is mildly surprised to find no resistance from the other woman. The rapper squeezes the vocalist’s hand in a comforting and almost apologetic manner, mildly thankful that Joohyun is giving her a chance to atone. Two trails of footprints are left in the sand as Byulyi guides them in the opposite direction from the mansions. In the darkness, Joohyun has to squint to see where the younger girl is taking them. An abandoned dock sits at the far end of the beach and she can only assume that’s where they are headed.

The wood creaks loudly when Byulyi steps onto the platform, the waves are less violent on this end so they don’t do much to drown out the groaning of the dock. Joohyun is a little apprehensive about the strength of the rotting platform but with Byulyi steadily holding her hand and confidently walking in front of her, her fears are quickly dispelled. The two walk right to the edge and the younger girl glances down to take a peek at her silent companion.

The darkness hides most of Joohyun’s features, but even under the dim moonlight, Byulyi thinks she can see traces of melancholy in her eyes. The rapper doesn’t let go of the singer’s hand despite arriving at their destination, it provides a soothing feeling that’s mutual between the two. Joohyun gazes into the distance, taking in the darkness of the horizon and letting the sound of the ebbing tides fill her ears. Byulyi doesn’t say anything because no words feel appropriate for this atmosphere, however, she does lead the older woman to sit on the edge of the pier. A reflective silence settles between the two as they ruminate, the sound of the waves wash over them and they bask in the comfort of the other’s presence. Their legs dangle over the waters that slosh against the festering harbour and they sit for a long time without exchanging a single word.

Time doesn’t matter to Byulyi, yet when it comes to Joohyun, she’s painfully aware of how — _temporary_ , she is. Four hours every Saturday, it was never enough for the Loser Crew, hence their permanent residence here. The rapper watches the waves in a haze, it’s a different feeling to be here with someone and for the first time, she doesn’t feel suffocated by the absence of Yongsun. Her thoughts are filled with the singer next to her, who’s still holding on to her hand, grounding her and preventing her from spiralling.

Byulyi has so many questions for Joohyun, questions that slipped her mind in her excitement during their previous encounter.

_ Where is Seulgi?  _

_ Why is Joohyun here alone?  _

_ Does she intend on becoming a resident? _

_ Or does she intend to die? _

A sudden shift by the vocalist causes Byulyi’s eyes to flit towards her, Joohyun removes her hand from the rapper’s now sweaty palms. She hasn’t been aware of how nervous she has become just thinking about Joohyun.

“ Sorry, I didn’t realise … “ the older woman speaks softly before her words trail off.

Byulyi places her hands on her lap awkwardly and shakes her head, “ It’s okay. “

“ This is a nice place to get lost in your thoughts. “

“ The waves are calming, aren’t they? “

“ Mhm … I’m glad you brought me here, I haven’t been to a beach in ages. “

“ For what it’s worth, I’m glad you stayed. “

Joohyun looks up at the younger girl and their eyes meet. Words linger at the tip of her tongue and she questions whether their friendship is strong enough for the thoughts in her head. With Seulgi, she never had to think twice before speaking her mind, it was easy because they understood each other. There were rarely any miscommunication or misunderstandings between the couple, if there were, it’d be resolved in a day or two. She isn’t so sure about Byulyi, considering that they were just — friends?

Byulyi rubs the back of her neck as she feels obligated to speak now, “ About earlier … I’m really sorry— “

“ It’s okay, I accept your apology, but what you said isn’t entirely wrong, “ the singer interrupts reassuringly, placing a hand on Byulyi’s lap, “ I only have a few more months to go, a year at most. “

The rapper tenses up at her touch, quickly shifting to hide her surprise, she leans back on her hands which rest on the wooden dock. Joohyun quickly removes her hand, fearing that she’s overstepped her boundaries.

“ What are your plans? “ Byulyi tries to ask casually, hoping that changing the conversation would ease the awkward atmosphere, but she can't hide the curiosity in her voice.

“ What other plans should I have? I’m prepared to meet my maker. “

“ You’re not going to pass over? “

“ Mhm … “

“ Why not? “

“ Why should I? “

Byulyi tilts her head slightly as she ponders, she stares into the darkness as if the faux gods will provide an epiphany. Passing over has become commonplace within years, it’s fair to say that almost everyone didn’t want to die, everybody wants to continue living, except for a handful maybe. There’s no complex reason behind why Yongsun didn’t stay, it all boiled down to one — _she didn’t want to._ Perhaps Joohyun has the same beliefs, one life is enough for them.

Byulyi musters up the courage to switch topics, mumbling almost inaudibly, “ Can I ask you something else, unnie? “ 

Joohyun nods while her eyes stare at flowing tides, “ What is it? “

The rapper sucks in a deep breath and feels a burst of bravery surge through her body, before she knows it, the words are out of her mouth, “ Where is Seulgi? “

The question doesn’t take the singer by surprise, she had a feeling it would come up at some point and it’s futile to avoid it.

_ “ She died. “ _

The answer, however, leaves Byulyi with an uncertain frown on her face. 

_ Died?  _

If the dancer had passed over, there’s no way she would have missed her. As far as Byulyi knows, Seulgi was still very much alive when she passed over with Wheein and Hyejin.

“ She left peacefully in her sleep a couple of months ago. “

“ Oh … “ Byulyi forces a choked response.

She isn’t sure how to process all this information, she vaguely remembers Seulgi visiting as a tourist but it was a one-time thing. The dancer loved to bounce through time periods and wander around various places so their paths almost never crossed during her trials. Byulyi was sure that of all people, Seulgi would pass over.

_ It’s funny how the people who loved living chose to die instead. _

“ Why did Yongsun choose to leave? “

Joohyun throws all caution to the wind since Byulyi has already brought up Seulgi, she supposes that their bond might become stronger because of this conversation. This might be the only thing they had in common, Joohyun muses quietly, their wives leaving them behind in this virtual world. She never knew why her fellow leader chose to leave instead of passing over like everyone else and it’s a question that’s been at the back of her head for a while now.

“ She didn’t want to stay. “ Byulyi answers shortly, it’s hard enough to tell people that Yongsun is dead, let alone responding to questions she barely knew the answers to.

“ That’s it? “ Joohyun presses with a raised eyebrow, the answer seems a little too simple. 

Byulyi scoffs lightly under her breath, merely thinking about it leaves her with a feeling of indignance, “ There’s no special reason or anything, Yong wanted to leave. And I let her. “ Her voice is full of angst and regret, if she could turn back time, she would have and she would have pleaded for her Yongkong to stay with her for all eternity.

The singer turns to face the rapper with sympathetic eyes, in some ways, she can relate to how the younger girl feels. But, things are different for her, because Seulgi didn’t leave her behind, she just went ahead first and Joohyun takes comfort in knowing that she’ll join her soon. 

“ Are you angry that she left? “ Joohyun asks softly, she knows she’s treading on eggshells but can’t help but feel like if Byulyi didn’t get this off her chest now, she probably never will. Who else could empathise with her in this world where nobody cared about death?

Byulyi freezes at the vocalist’s abrupt question because it’s the first time anyone has ever asked her if she’s anything but sad. She wonders if she’s worded her answer a little too harshly.

“ Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. “ the rapper mumbles quickly as she looks away. 

The feelings of guilt that weighed on her anger only made her feel like she’s a terrible person and wife, so she’s repressed it all, hoping that it would fade with time. But sometimes, it’s just a little hard to hold it in. 

“ But you sound pissed. “

A tense silence hangs in the air and Joohyun is almost certain she’s gone too far. Her heart sinks slightly at the thought of their short-lived friendship ending because she probed too much.

“ I guess I am … and it makes me feel like I’m a terrible fucking person … I just wish she was here with me. “ Byulyi admits after a long silence, her self-hatred bubbles in her chest as she balls her hands tightly into fists, she stares out into the darkness, hoping that the waves would pull her under.

Joohyun shifts her body entirely to face the rapper, lifting her legs off the edge and crossing them in the process. She gently cups the younger girl’s face, pulling her gaze towards her, “ Look at me, Byulyi, you’re not a terrible person for feeling angry that Yongsun left. You’ve spent your entire life with her and you want more, there’s nothing wrong with that. Your anger is just as valid as Yongsun’s choice to leave. “

In the dim night, the pair’s eyes meet and Byulyi feels a little more broken than before. Time seems to slow down as she listens to Joohyun carefully, a wave of emotions wash over her as she feels a choked sob rising at the back of her throat and she forces herself to swallow it. Her chest still feels heavy with loathing despite the relief she feels, it feels good to be able to admit that she is angry, she’s so fucking angry and jealous that everyone else is able to live out forever with their loved ones and she can’t. But then, the guilt resurfaces just as quickly, because she’s going back on her words, because she agreed and said she would be okay with Yongsun leaving. 

“ There’s no shame in admitting that you aren’t able to let go of her, it’s natural to miss someone you’ve loved your entire life, Byulyi. “ the older woman reasons softly as she gently pats the heartbroken girl, “ I don’t know much about living in Eden, but I think it’s an amazing place to be, but you’re focusing a lot on how things could have been if Yongsun is here with you instead of how things actually are. “

Byulyi lets out a soft exhale, she hadn't realised that she's been holding her breath ever since Joohyun made her look at her. The vocalist watches her intently, her gaze soft and full of concern. Something about this moment, something about Joohyun’s gentle demeanour, makes her want to open up and fall apart all at once. Tears have long welled up in her eyes and now, the floodgates are open and the tears push past her lashes to leave wet streaks down her cheeks.

“ It’s not just that … I’m angry at myself for feeling upset … “ Byulyi confesses, her voice begins to crack and her words come out in a string of heavy, broken sentences, “ I’m angry because no matter what I do, I can’t seem to want to understand her choice, I can’t see why anyone wants to die in this day and age! “ She can’t look at Joohyun any longer so she buries her face in her hands, her breathing hitches as she tries to control the tears.

Joohyun feels her heart break a little at the sight of the devastated rapper attempting to lock away all her emotions, nobody should have to go through this pain, not alone at least. The vocalist pulls the vulnerable girl into her arms and Byulyi resists, however Joohyun remains firm and eventually, the rapper gives in. The younger girl’s bony shoulders dig into her chest while her head rests on the singer’s shoulders, as uncomfortable as it might be, it provides the solace that Byulyi needs.

“ To each their own, I suppose, being together for a lifetime doesn’t mean you have to agree with or understand all her views, she made her choice and so did you, “ Joohyun continues tenderly with a trace of caution in her voice, she glances at the static rapper in her arms, " maybe death provided something that life could not. “

A harrowing feeling settles in the depths of Byulyi’s chest and weighs heavily upon hearing Joohyun’s words. What did death provide that she couldn’t? Is Eden lacking somewhere, in a world with everything you could possibly dream of, what could be missing? 

“ I don’t get it … I just don’t … “ Byulyi repeats despondently, “ What’s missing in Eden? “

In her despair, Joohyun sees the difference of being alive and being a ghost all too clearly. Ghosts, they are people too, but something about being in Eden for a prolonged period of time takes away a vital piece of humanity, of them. 

_ “ If there’s no death, does life even matter? “ _

Oh.

_Of course it would, why wouldn’t it?_ Byulyi scoffs quietly as Joohyun continues to speak.

“ Everyone has a reason, people choose to pass over because there’s things they’ve yet to do, things they still want to experience — they choose to hold on to life instead of celebrating the ephemerality of it. Though it’s an equally valid choice as choosing to die, what happens when you hold on for too long? “

Joohyun doesn’t look at Byulyi for long, her gaze flits to the dark horizon that feels and probably is endless, she contemplates if this is what Seulgi is experiencing. They were right for each other, far from perfect but compatible enough to spend a lifetime together. When Seulgi didn’t know how to speak, Joohyun would articulate her feelings with ease. These thoughts about Eden were merely what Seulgi felt and Joohyun couldn’t help but agree wholeheartedly.

“ Back at the stage, when you said I was merely another body waiting to die — the way you talked about death so easily, so weightlessly, it just made me feel how dehumanizing this world could really be. This world is limitless, yes, and you have everything you could ever want. But there’s no end, no consequences, no limits. Is there any weight to anything you do here, do the things you do matter or are they just for the fun and thrill of it all? “ Joohyun doesn’t hold back her thoughts and the singer’s words dig into Byulyi’s soul, she feels her throat go dry and swallows in an attempt to ground herself, _“ Maybe all Yongsun wanted was to celebrate life in its purest form and the only way to do that is to die. “_

To be delivered an epiphany years after Yongsun’s death isn’t as liberating as she thought it would feel, to finally see something other than her anger, to finally see why her wife left — feels like another weight has been placed on her chest. Finally seeing reason yet unable to give it the understanding it deserves is truly the cruelest punishment. 

“ The only way to celebrate life is to die? “ Byulyi repeats softly, hearing the words leave her mouth help her to process where Joohyun is coming from a little better though she doesn’t entirely agree.

The vocalist hums softly, “ How else would you know the things you’ve done actually matters? How would you know how to cherish life? “

The rapper clenches her fists tightly, grabbing a handful of Joohyun’s hoodie in her hand, “ I just know it does, the things I do matter because I give it meaning. It matters because I think it matters. Shouldn’t that be how we define the weight of our choices? Shouldn’t life be about the experiences and the journeys? “

Joohyun exhales through her nostrils as she muses over Byulyi’s words, it’s clear that they have opposing ideals — hence the difference between choosing to pass over and choosing to die. But she tries to put herself in the shoes of the rapper anyway, toying with the new thoughts that have just been presented to her.

“ I suppose there’s more to life than we can ever comprehend, “ the vocalist finally sighs after a prolonged silence between the two, “ life to you is about the experiences but life to me is about the end points we set for ourselves, death is just the final end point to me. “

“ Why does it have to end then? “

“ Because I don’t think I could treasure the life I had if I knew there’s no end to it. “

“ Oh … “ Byulyi nods slowly, her mind feels a little clearer now that she’s beginning to see the other woman’s perspective, “ I think I understand where you’re coming from now. “

" We don't have to see eye to eye on this … There's no right or wrong answer, this is merely what I feel and possibly what Yongsun could've felt. " Joohyun whispers softly, stroking Byulyi's hair gently.

Byulyi sighs tiredly, it feels like she's just been through a whole rollercoaster ride of emotions, " Thank you, unnie … I don't think anyone could've broken it down for me this easily. "

“ Thank you too, I feel like I’ve learnt something tonight, we have differing ideals but it’s intriguing to see from another point of view. “ Joohyun smiles at the younger girl in her arms who looks a little less broken now.

The rapper chuckles wryly, “ Well, they've always said that lifelong learning is important, isn’t it? “ 

“ Oh I bet it is, I’m learning something new even from my deathbed. “ the vocalist grins, mildly grateful that the atmosphere is beginning to lighten up.

The duo watches the ebbing and flowing of the tides for a little, slowly processing the heavy conversation they’ve just been through. It’s strange for Byulyi to be this intimate and open with someone other than her wife, yet it feels scarily right.

Not that she would ever admit it, but deep down in her heart, she knows that this is just what she needs to let go of Yongsun.

“ This world isn’t as perfect as it seems, it can get lonely sometimes. “ Byulyi mumbles softly, feeling oddly comfortable enough to bare her heart out to the leader.

“ You have Wheein and Hyejin, don’t you? “ Joohyun hums softly, “ Aren’t they enough? “

“ I- .. I don’t want to put this weight on them, they’ve been by my side ever since Yong died and … it just doesn’t feel fair if I’m always sad and angry around them. “

“ They’re your friends, Byulyi, they will listen, no matter what, lean on them when you need to because I doubt this world is any easier than the real world. “

_Joohyun feels nice,_ Byulyi thinks as she sniffles into her companion’s chest, to be held so lovingly after months is enough for her to crumble. The rapper didn’t expect Bae Joohyun of all people to be the one to unpack all her emotional baggage. The pieces she’s left with after Yongsun’s departure had been used to build walls to keep anyone and everyone out, but Joohyun is dismantling them with ease, fixing each piece with tender loving care. 

Their conversation comes to a standstill and the silence between them is accompanied by the gentle crashing of the tides beneath them and a peaceful breeze of wind. Byulyi feels a little lighter, the anguish in her heart dissipating with every minute she spends in the singer’s warm embrace. 

“ You can be okay in a world without Yongsun. “

“ Being okay isn’t the same as being happy. “

“ And yet, being okay is much better than crying your eyes out when you think of her. “

This earns a soft raspy laugh from the rapper, she stopped crying a while ago but she doesn’t want to leave Joohyun’s arms just yet. “ I’m not sure how to live without her, everything in Eden has been nothing but a distraction from the ache. “

“ We can find out together, “ Joohyun offers in a half-joking tone, not a day goes by without Seulgi popping into her head, if anything, the potential distraction that Eden could provide sounds like music to her ears, “ I could use this too. “

The younger girl pulls away from Joohyun’s chest and wipes away the remnants of her tears with the back of her hand. She takes a clear look at the vocalist who looks at her with a small, almost sad smile, she’s hiding something behind that inscrutable gaze of hers and Byulyi can only assume it’s the woes of being left behind. Perhaps they had more in common now, after the deaths of their wives, their broken hearts mirrored each other more than anything else.

“ Thank you, unnie. I didn’t think I’d ever talk about this with you — or anyone, really. “ Byulyi mumbles with gratitude and her usual crooked grin.

Joohyun shoots her a polite smile in return, “ You’re welcome, Byulyi, afterall, you were one of Seulgi’s best friends and Yongsun was one of my close friends. There’s no way I could’ve left you like this. I hope you feel a little better. “

“ I do, “ Byulyi responds honestly, it feels good to not feel suffocated by her own emotions, “ I really appreciate it. “

“ I’m glad to hear that. “

“ So, I’ll be seeing you again next week? “

Joohyun hums softly and nods, turning her gaze away from the rapper to face the endless darkness in the distant horizon. It’s okay to spend a couple of weekends here, she muses, at least she’ll get to experience what Seulgi experienced.

A particularly large wave crashes into the shore and Byulyi glances at Joohyun discreetly, under the dim moonlight, she wonders what secrets the older girl hides in her heart. In that moment, she decides that she wants to get to know Joohyun, she wants to see her in all her glory, without walls or facades hiding the pain.

She wants to see Joohyun come alive and love this world as much as she does.

“ I’d really like that, unnie. I’ll show you why life to me is all about the experiences, _I’ll make you want to live._ “

“ I’d like to see you try. “

The clock strikes midnight and Byulyi is alone on the dock, scoffing quietly to herself as she stares up into the dark heavens, wondering if this faux world has faux gods — and if there are, would they listen to her prayers?

The spot that Joohyun was doesn’t leave any trace of warmth, it’s like she was never even there in the first place. The rapper gets up a couple of minutes and begins to stroll along the shore back to the shared mansion of the Loser Crew. With a newfound resolve, she decides that tonight would be the night she finally shares her woes with her friends. If anything, Joohyun is right about choosing the lesser of two evils — that being okay might just be slightly better than being heartbroken and angry all the time.

She’s going to learn how to be okay in a world without Kim Yongsun.

* * *

_ " Yongsun-unnie died today. " _

Seulgi's voice breaks the silence in their patio, where they'd usually spend their mornings lounging on a comfortable sofa after breakfast. Spring season is usually peaceful by the countryside, with trees swaying along to the gentle breeze and the twittering of birdsong echoing through the lands every once in a while. Joohyun has been reading in the comfort of her wife's embrace, her head sinking into her shoulders, so engrossed in her book that she has to ask the aged woman to repeat her sentence.

Seulgi, who sits by her older wife, looks to the clouds, " Yongsun-unnie, she's passed on. Byulie-unnie turned off the life support machines today. " she repeats her sentence softly with her tone full of sorrow.

" Do you mean pass over? " Joohyun frowns as she shuts her book and places it in the space next to her, years of being with Kang Seulgi made it easy to know when her wife wanted to talk.

The younger woman shakes her head gently, her gaze still focused on the heavens. Her arm is wrapped around Joohyun and her fingers trace circular patterns on the other girl's arm mindlessly.

_ " She's dead, dead. " _

" … Oh. "

Joohyun blinks at the realisation, they have been close friends over the years and their wives were equally good friends. She's aware that Yongsun hasn't been doing too well in the past few months and has even visited her multiple times.

But Kim Yongsun dying feels … _odd._ It felt like a glitch in the matrix, as if a wrong choice had been made.

Of all people, Joohyun never expected Yongsun to die. Her friend and fellow leader was one of the few people she knew that genuinely lived her life to the fullest. To pass up on a chance to live forever doesn't sound like something Yongsun would do. Then again, there were parts of her that Joohyun would never understand even after decades of friendship.

" We should pay our respects, I suppose, " Joohyun says after a long silence, she’s unsure of how she should exactly respond, " How is Moonbyul? "

Joohyun has never gotten close enough to Byulyi to address her by her real name instead of her stage name. They remained on friendly terms despite being close friends with the other's wives. And as technology advances with their age, she can't really remember the last time she's been to a funeral instead of a pass over ceremony.

" Wheein and Hyejin are taking care of Byulie-unnie, she's going to be okay, I think, " Seulgi murmurs with a slight shrug, " they'll notify everyone officially soon I suppose. "

The older woman nods understandingly, resting her head on Seulgi’s chest and she wraps her arms closely around the younger woman’s waist, snuggling a little closer to her wife as if death would snatch her Seulgi away too.

It would, at some point, but they'd still have some time.

" We haven't talked about this much, but would you pass over? " Seulgi asks after a long silence.

Joohyun glances up at her aged wife, she studies her features carefully as she ponders over the question. It’s not a question that she thinks about often since it’s not one that required an answer immediately, but if it came down to it, she isn’t sure. " Would you? " the older woman asks, quirking her eyebrow upwards curiously and turning the question back onto her wife.

Seulgi clicks her teeth and huffs before whining, " Don’t answer my question with a question, I asked you first, Hyun-ah! "

This earns a soft giggle from the singer, " I'm curious about your answer too, Seul, tell me. " she begs by planting a few kisses on her wife's cheek.

Seulgi cracks into a small smile as she basks in the affection, " Okay, okay, " she gives in easily, she could never say no to Joohyun, _" I don't think I want to. "_

Joohyun is a little surprised though there’s no change in her expression, the slight raise of her eyebrow doesn't hide her emotions from Seulgi, " I thought you liked Eden. "

The dancer hums softly as she nods, " Yeah, but … I don't know — It could be fun for a little while but to stay there forever? It just doesn't feel right … "

_“ It feels like you’re cheating death? “_ Joohyun articulates with ease.

Her wife sighs contentedly with a gentle bob of her head, “ Somehow, you always know the right words. “

“ It’s what I would feel too, “ Joohyun adds softly, mildly relieved that they wanted the same things, reaching for her wife’s hand and holding it gently, she continues speaking, “ so I take that we’re on the same page? “

“ When was the last time we’ve disagreed, Hyun? “

“ Can’t remember — I’m old now. “

“ You’ve been using that excuse since you were 40. “

“ You haven’t done anything about it for 40 years either. “

“ You’re so annoying sometimes, Bae Joohyun-ah, but I love you. “

“ I love you too, Kang Seulgi. “

* * *

It’s the beginning of autumn when Joohyun first meets Byulyi in Eden and as the two spend more and more time together, the seasons begin to change. Her doctors don’t think she’ll make it past next spring but her body feels like it can barely make it to the new year, it’ll be a miracle if she does.

Every Saturday, Joohyun enters the system as a trial tourist. And every Saturday, Byulyi waits for her at the stage. Like clockwork, they would travel around the virtual world with one rule. The rule happened to be the same as the Loser Crew’s rule. To not be a loser.

Everything Byulyi did with Wheein and Hyejin almost two years ago is experienced by Joohyun as well. Everything from free-falling to riding on Byulyi’s bike at maximum speed on roads that never seem to end, anything that Joohyun even thought of, they did. It feels like she’s experiencing a whole new life, she isn’t Irene anymore, she’s just plain old Bae Joohyun, another tourist in Eden who’s been too busy to live.

Joohyun didn’t think it would be possible to feel alive in a world like Eden but her guide and companion is proving her wrong with every weekend she spends in the system.

Byulyi, on the other hand, doesn’t notice it at first, but as the seasons change, the hollowness in her chest is slowly getting filled with fragments of Joohyun. Thinking about Yongsun doesn’t ache as much as it did before and missing her slowly becomes a rare occurrence.

Winter arrives, the two continue to spend every Saturday together without fail. Byulyi has picked up a habit of tracking time in the system, something she’s never bothered to do since time was boundless, yet four hours always feels too short. As much as she loved spending time with Wheein and Hyejin, being with Joohyun is an entirely different experience and she can’t help but look forward to their Saturdays.

Joohyun is shy most of the time but when she’s excited, she can be louder than all of the Loser Crew combined. They talk about their wives sometimes, talking about the good, the bad and the ugly. They talk about their lives, their careers, their past and all their fears. It doesn’t take long for them to find companionship with each other, most of the time, Byulyi tells her about what’s new in Eden during the week while Joohyun mentions what new medications she’s on or what the other patients talk about. 

They form a simple relationship, acting as each other’s pillars in a new world without their lovers.

* * *

December 22nd happens to fall on a Wednesday, so Byulyi’s hopes of being able to celebrate her birthday with Joohyun are dashed pretty quickly. Though her birthday being this close to the holidays meant that she’d get to see the vocalist a little more, tourists usually get to log in during the holidays for a little longer but it depends on their physical conditions as well.

It’s alright, she supposes, after all, she still has Wheein and Hyejin celebrating her birthday with her. After having a much-needed heart to heart talk with the two a few months back, Byulyi feels a little more open to talking to them and their friendship has gotten even stronger.

Under the dingy lights of a small barbeque restaurant, a boisterous laugh echoed above the usual chatter of the other patrons and Hyejin could be seen looking down at the sizzling grill, wanting no affiliation to her best friend, Jung Wheein.

Byulyi and Wheein have been taking shots ever since they sat down, the younger girl jokingly said that the rapper would have to do 83 shots to celebrate but who knew their unnie would actually be serious about it. Seeing Byulyi’s resolve, Wheein joins in and by their tenth shot, Hyejin has to force them to switch to regular old beer instead.

With flushed cheeks, Wheein reaches across the table to poke Byulyi’s arm as Hyejin feeds her a juicy piece of freshly grilled meat. “ So, unnie! What do you usually do on your Saturdates with Joohyun-unnie? “ the drunk girl asks in a voice that’s several decibels too high, the alcohol has really dulled her senses and she’s painfully unaware of how loud she is.

_Saturdates_ are what Wheein and Hyejin have decided to coin the Saturdays that Byulyi spends with Joohyun, their reasoning being that it was always just the two of them and no one else ever tagged along. Not that she would ever say it aloud, but she likes spending time with Joohyun alone and she isn’t sure if the singer is even keen on spending time with anyone else — that’s the excuse she uses to deflect the two girls’ endless demands.

Needless to say, after weeks of whining, Byulyi finally relented and agreed to arrange something for all of them to hang out together — something being the upcoming Christmas holidays, Joohyun is going to join the Loser Crew in some merry celebrations in their humble abode.

It’s been a while since things in Eden are ever this exciting, Byulyi is really looking forward to Christmas for the first time since she’s been here.

“ It’s just about the same as what we do, our list comes in handy. “ Byulyi shrugs easily as she shoves a piece of meat into her mouth.

Hyejin hums with an amused smirk, “ I can never imagine Joohyun-unnie as someone who would go free falling. “

“ Do we look like skydivers, Hyejin-ah? “ Wheein slurs as she wraps a hand around her best friend’s shoulder, “ No! So stop judging Joohyun-unnie! “

“ Yah! Jung Wheein! You’re too loud! “ Hyejin winces at the volume of Wheein’s voice and huffs in annoyance. The maknae then turns to the rapper while rolling her eyes, “ Honestly, unnie, what is Joohyun-unnie actually like? “

Byulyi furrows her eyebrows at the question, it’s not like they didn’t know Joohyun. Mamamoo and Red Velvet had been somewhat close, but it’s true that she got to see a different side of Joohyun, one that she doesn’t show to just about anyone.

_ That Joohyun feels like it’s reserved just for Byulyi. _

“ She’s pretty fun, “ Byulyi’s shoulders rise as she nonchalantly responds, “ she’s a pretty good listener too. “

Hyejin narrows her eyes and purses her lips, “ Are you saying that we aren’t? “

The rapper sighs and smiles sweetly, “ It’s different, Hyejin-ah, I love you both but talking to her just feels like the biggest problems can shrink away into nothing. “

Wheein hums in an unamused tone, “ Things are changing in Loser Crew, I miss Yongsun-unnie. “ This earns her a painful nudge in the ribs from her best friend and the two begin to argue over whether it’s okay to mention Yongsun in front of their previously immensely heartbroken unnie.

“ It’s okay, I miss Yong too, but these days it doesn’t hurt as much to think of her. “ Byulyi admits as she takes a swig from a bottle of beer. 

These days, her thoughts are mostly filled with Joohyun and what they should do during their Saturdates. Not that anyone would know, but she tries her best to make every Saturdate as unique as it can be because she never knows when it’s going to be the last one, and that takes a lot more effort and planning than she’d like to reveal.

“ How long has it been? Almost three years? “ Hyejin nods solemnly as she follows Byulyi in taking a sip of beer.

“ Give or take, I don’t suppose we’ve been keeping track of time very well. “ the older girl smiles wryly as she swipes a piece of meat off the sizzling grill.

Wheein snorts loudly as she slams her hands on the tables with a little too much force, causing the cutleries to rattle and fall off their bowls, “ Are you sure, unnie? Because you keep track of time really well from 8pm to midnight every Saturday. “

Byulyi rolls her eyes and reaches a hand across the table, her bony finger sends a hard flick to the younger girl’s forehead, her bangs don’t do much to negate the pain and she yelps out in pain. “ Isn’t it my birthday tonight, Jung Wheein? What’s with all these malicious attacks? “ the rapper clicks her teeth.

“ Yah! I was just curious about what you guys do since you never tell us, “ the vocalist responds with a pout as she rubs her forehead indignantly, “ if you do it’s always so vague like what do you mean she’s fun? Aren’t _we_ fun as well? “

“ Is our Wheeinie jealous? “ Hyejin teases with a cheeky grin and Byulyi joins in, the conversation quickly drifts into some lighthearted banter between the Loser Crew.

So, this is how Moon Byulyi spends her 83rd birthday in a dingy barbeque restaurant in a virtual world surrounded by her chosen family and where the absence of Kim Yongsun doesn’t hurt her as much as it did before. 

After a proper meal with many drinks, the trio decides that they would head home to eat some ice cream and pass out while watching a subpar movie in their matching pyjamas. Wheein is snoring on Hyejin's lap within half an hour into a terrible romcom she picked so the remaining members of the Loser Crew settled for muting the television and having a quiet conversation.

" What are our plans for Christmas with Joohyun-unnie? " Hyejin leans back into their comfortable sofa and she plays with Wheein's hair, almost certain her best friend has passed out for the night.

Byulyi shrugs, " The usual? Order some food and play some board games I guess. " 

That's how they spent most of their Christmases in the real world, it had become a tradition that they carried on into this virtual afterlife. They did try to celebrate it with all the other residents in town once, but it was way too crowded for their liking, they liked to spend the holidays quietly.

So takeout and board games stayed the norm.

Hyejin nods slowly, " I thought you'd want to bring Joohyun-unnie to town at least, show her what Christmas is really like. "

" That's what Eden's Christmas is really like, not ours. Plus, I thought you two wanted to get to know her a little more. " the rapper murmurs while facing the ceiling, she might just fall asleep at this rate.

" Yeah because we don't make many new friends here, unnie. Joohyun-unnie isn't exactly a stranger, it's about time we adopted her into this Loser Crew. " Hyejin points out with a small grin.

Byulyi rolls her eyes and groans, " Joohyun doesn't belong in this Loser Crew, besides, it's not like she's staying. "

" She's not passing over? " the maknae's eyes widen slightly but she hides her surprise well.

Byulyi shakes her head as her eyes begin to close, " She's a little like Yong, one life might just be enough for them. "

" You know the unwritten rule about getting close with the tourists … " Hyejin warns in a low tone filled with concern.

" I know, Hyejinie, but she's just been … healing … Being around her just makes me forget how much it hurts when I miss Yong. " the rapper mutters with a yawn, the need for sleep is beginning to overwhelm her.

" Unnie … " 

" She's a friend, Hyejin-ah, the least I could do is accompany her in her last few months. "

" Are you sure? "

" Mhm … "

" I don't want to assume things … But just be careful, okay? " 

Hyejin's words are met with silence because the older girl doesn’t exactly know how to respond. Truth is, she’s aware of these potential feelings for Joohyun but not saying it aloud, not acknowledging them, helps her to repress it a little better.

She’s not going to open her Pandora’s box of a heart, not right now. That day might come years after Joohyun is long gone and Byulyi can learn to live with the guilt of loving someone other than Yongsun.

In the prolonged silence, Hyejin can only assume that the rapper has been lulled into a deep sleep with nothing but sweet dreams. The vocalist sighs as she gets comfortable on the couch as well, she's stuck since she's going to disrupt Wheein if she moves. 

Maybe it's for the better that Byulyi fell asleep when she did, she thinks quietly. Hyejin doesn't want to put unnecessary thoughts into her head when the older girl is finally learning how to let go of her grief.

This would be a topic for another time, one where Byulyi is awake and sober and all too aware of what Joohyun means to her.

* * *

Christmas morning came accompanied with some light snowfall and some celebrations at the facility that Joohyun has spent the past few months in. She receives calls from her dear friends and spends some time catching up with them, Sooyoung and Yerim share updates about their family while Seungwan shares with Joohyun a new song she’s been working on. The leader couldn’t be more thankful that her body is cooperating so she can stay lucid for the whole day instead of being fed drug after drug.

She’s in a good mood when the evening rolls around and she begins her weekly ritual. The stage is empty as usual and Byulyi is never punctual so Joohyun takes her spot on the edge of the stage as she always does. Fiddling around with her appearance, she dons a terrible Christmas themed sweater with a cheesy pun.

Snickering at herself quietly, she looks at the news updates in Eden. This week's are all unsurprisingly about Christmas celebrations, showing off which are the most popular time periods and places of the season. She skims through the pictures half-heartedly as she longs to see these views in the flesh.

Everything looks beautiful here, maybe she'd be able to feel the snow here since it's the best she's going to get with her deteriorating condition.

" No way, you picked that too? " a familiar voice startles her, causing her to jump in surprise. 

Placing a hand on her chest, she turns around to see Byulyi in the exact same ridiculous sweater. " You scared me! " she exclaims as the rapper bounces over with a big grin.

" I can't believe we're wearing the exact same thing. Why the hell would you pick this? " Byulyi chuckles as she takes a seat next to the vocalist.

Joohyun rolls her eyes and looks down at the sweater with a slight pout, " I thought it would be fun, since it's Christmas. What's Christmas without ugly sweaters? "

The younger girl gasps dramatically, " It's not ugly, it screams fun. "

" It screams to be made fun of. " the leader retorts with a nudge to Byulyi's arm.

" Whatever you say, we're both wearing it so who wins? " 

“ Not us obviously, “ Joohyun giggles and turns to face the younger woman, “ so what’s the plan for tonight? “

“ There are no plans, it'll just be a typical Christmas with the Loser Crew, so let's go before those two starts complaining. "

" Sounds exciting to spend Christmas with a bunch of losers. "

" You've been spending your Saturdays with this loser already, what's adding another two to the mix? "

" I’m sure it’ll be extra fun. “ Joohyun shoots her a small smile which fades quickly.

By now, Byulyi is more aware of the vocalist’s body language, though Joohyun is still hard to read, at least now she can tell when she has something on her mind. “ Okay, what’s up? You’ve got that look. “ the rapper sighs as she nudges her companion lightly.

The leader shakes her head gently, “ It’s nothing, it’s kind of dumb. “

“ Come on, you know you can tell me anything. “ Byulyi coaxes lightly, “ if it’s within my means, consider it done. “

“ I just want to feel the snow, “ Joohyun admits shyly, looking at her feet instead of at the rapper, “ it’s been awhile since I’ve felt real snow. “

Byulyi sighs with relief and wraps a hand around Joohyun’s shoulder, pulling her into a side hug, “ That’s way too easy, unnie. You don’t have to feel shy about it, it’s not dumb. “

“ It just feels too simple, Byul-ah. “ the leader sighs as she rests her head on the rapper’s bony shoulders.

The action has become rather commonplace in the months they’ve spent together so the mild discomfort no longer bothers her. If there’s anything they’ve learnt about each other, is that they both take comfort in physical affection, so hugs of any kind are more than welcomed.

“ Shouldn’t you know by now that we’re going to do anything you want? “

“ You spoil me too much. “

“ Let’s drive, unnie. “

The city lights accompanied with some light snowfall is a sight the rapper doesn't want her companion to miss, so the short ten minute drive turned into half an hour. As much as Eden is lovely all year round, there’s something about the winter that brings out a different kind of beauty. 

There’s a shift that only happens during the winter — most of the residents slow down from their thrills and settle into calmer routines to bring in the new year or the end of their lives forever. Yet, it doesn’t feel as terrifying as it sounds, anyone that does leave, leaves without a shred of regret.

Days like these make it feel like Eden is a world meant for fantastical creatures instead of lost souls.

* * *

The mansion that the trio shares comes alive during the holidays, it's the only time they ever bother to do anything about the huge space they have and Hyejin demands that the least they could do is decorate a tree.

A large tree sits in the corner of the living room, with twinkling lights and ornaments of all shapes and sizes bringing out the Christmas spirit — well, most of the decorations do, save for the four Teletubby ornaments near the top.

The Loser Crew likes things easy, virtual tree, virtual takeaway food, convenience is the key to their hearts. But convenience isn't all, good food being eaten on time is too.

Hyejin has been sitting on the couch, staring at the large clock on the wall, on the precipice of whining to her best friend about how late their unnie is when she hears the door unlock. Jumping to her feet, she makes a beeline for the door in time to see the rapper barging in with a huge grin.

" She's here! " Byulyi announces loudly when she finally returns with Joohyun.

" What took you so long? " Hyejin clicks her teeth as she greets the two older women at the door, " Hi, Joohyun-unnie. "

" Hello, Hyejin, " Joohyun smiles politely, " We drove, Byul wanted to show me the scenery. " 

Hyejin nods with a slight smirk, folding her arms across her chest, " I see, did she force you to wear that ugly thing too? " 

Joohyun feels her cheeks flush with heat and she's a little self-conscious of what she's chosen to wear, " It was a coincidence, I thought it'd be fun to wear this. "

" It's not that ugly, Hyejin-ah, we were going to pick that but Moonbyul-ssi called dibs on it, " Wheein chirps up from Hyejin's side, " nice to finally see you again, unnie. "

" Alright let's go in and we can continue this conversation. " Byulyi interrupts and pushes the three women into the living room, ready to start a night full of merry celebrations. 

Unfortunately for them, Joohyun only has until midnight because her physical body didn't qualify for the extra hours, so there is no time to waste. Ordering from Eden's most popular fast food chain has become a yearly ritual, so this year is no exception.

With some fried chicken and beer, Wheein and Hyejin begin their relentless interrogation and Byulyi wishes she hadn't agreed to this.

Joohyun, on the other hand, is more than elated to catch up with the two younger women. It's been way too long since she's actually seen them and the last time might have been at Yongsun's funeral. It's always better to meet under festive circumstances rather than tragic ones.

Time passes quickly but Byulyi seems to be in another plane of existence. Sharing her weekly four hours of Joohyun with others makes the time pass much faster, it sounds selfish to say this but she doesn't like the idea of sharing very much.

Her disappointment doesn't slip past the leader's watchful gaze. Joohyun notices the lack of the rapper's usual jokes and overall cheeriness shortly after dinner started and she could only wonder why. If she's worried about Byulyi, she definitely doesn't let it show because the conversation carries on without the others suspecting a thing.

The women move from the dining table to the living room after dinner to begin a night of not so casual board games. The Loser Crew is relentless when it comes to Monopoly and yet, with Joohyun in their leagues, it’s laughable to even think that they stood a chance. They drown their sorrows in soju, mostly the two biggest losers since Byulyi managed to hold on till the end. 

Wheein and Hyejin are both lying on the carpeted floor, less than sober and away in their own world while the two companions make themselves comfortable on the couch and Joohyun takes the chance to lean against Byulyi's arms. The rapper snaps out of her haze and glances at the vocalist who offers her a concerned smile, the look in Joohyun's eyes tells her that she should’ve put a little more effort into hiding her displeasure.

_" Are you okay? "_ Joohyun whispers softly, not wanting the two other women to hear her.

Byulyi nods weakly, if she still had a physical body, she would've used a terrible excuse like she's tired.

The leader doesn't press her for more even though she knows she's lying, part of her knows Byulyi will tell her in due time. So in an attempt to comfort her companion, she reaches for Byulyi's hand and gives it a gentle squeeze before drawing mindless circles on her skin with her thumb. 

Feeling her Joohyun's touch on her skin is enough for her to let go of her negative thoughts. Having Joohyun’s attention on her is a guilty pleasure, merely knowing that there are certain parts of Joohyun that can't be shared, that these parts are just for her, puts her on cloud nine.

But at the same time, it brings about nothing but confliction and turmoil in her heart.

* * *

With the two younger women passed out from the drinks and midnight rapidly approaching, the idols decide to call it a night. After hauling the two into bed, Byulyi brings Joohyun to the roof to watch the stars, the view hasn’t changed, if anything stays consistent in Eden, it’s the scenery.

The pair leans against the glass railings, listening to the distant waves. It feels like ages ago when Byulyi poured her heart out to the leader, since then, everything else has felt easy to get off her chest.

" Is something wrong? " Joohyun asks gently while shooting the younger woman a concerned look, " You've been off since dinner. "

Byulyi has been resting her chin on her arms but she nods slightly, looking at the dark horizon instead of her companion. " It's nothing. " she lies a little too smoothly that she feels guilty.

Joohyun sighs loudly, poking the rapper's arm lightly, " Byul-ah, what's wrong? We've been sharing everything, you can tell me anything. "

Not everything, Byulyi thinks.

Byulyi knows fully well that if she looks Joohyun in the eyes now, all her emotions might just come undone. Now that they’re alone, she can’t stop thinking about the look in Joohyun’s eyes, the phantom feeling of her touch on her skin, the little things that Joohyun does that makes her heart flutter. So she focuses her gaze on the stars in the sky, the tiny flakes of snow falling, the darkness of it all, focusing on anything but Joohyun.

" Byulyi, I'm serious. " the leader moves closer and tiptoes so that she can poke her head into Byulyi's line of sight, her wide eyes meet with dark orbs for a split second.

But the rapper averts her gaze quickly, opting to look at the ground now, " I'll just tell you next week. " she shrugs casually and lies yet again.

" Moon Byulyi, " Joohyun frowns sternly, she can’t help but feel the uneasiness building in her chest, “ tell me what's wrong now because I refuse to be worried over you for a whole week. “

A tense silence hangs between the two and there's only five minutes left before her companion has to return to her failing body and it didn't feel right to end Christmas with an argument. Joohyun is somehow relentless when it comes to coaxing Byulyi to confide in her, well — more like the rapper caves after she’s asked more than twice.

" I just … I just like spending time with you … _Alone …_ " Byulyi mumbles weakly, picking her words with extra care lest they expose her true feelings. She wants to tell Joohyun everything but she knows that the consequences could be disastrous for their current relationship, some things are just better off left unsaid.

These words are enough to make Joohyun soften up, wrapping an arm around the taller girl, she speaks gently to lighten up the atmosphere, “ How strange, I feel the same way too. “

The rapper chuckles lightly as she leans into Joohyun, basking in her affection. " It just sounds selfish of me to say it. " Byulyi admits shamefully though she feels a little better now that it's off her chest.

" As much as I like Wheein and Hyejin, " the vocalist nods thoughtfully as she looks down at the girl in her arms and squeezes her arm lightly, " I still like you a little more. "

The only thing that Byulyi could feel is the butterflies in her stomach, hearing such tender words from her companion makes her heart leap with happiness but she's unable to show any of it without the risk of compromising what they currently have. 

Scoffing softly, Byulyi turns to look at the leader with her eyebrows ticking up in amusement, " Just a little? We've been spending all our Saturdays together for the past few months. "

Joohyun purses her lips and shakes her head, " Maybe I'd like you a bit more if you were more honest with your feelings. " she retorts teasingly but part of her is more than serious, perhaps the lighthearted tone is for her to test the waters.

The rapper swallows nervously and turns away from the leader, even their casual banter is making her chest bubble with joy. She's not sure how long she can lie to herself about Joohyun being a mere distraction.

" Thank you for inviting me to spend Christmas with you guys, it was simple but I enjoyed it. " Joohyun continues with a contented sigh, spending her time in a virtual world with real people is better than spending it confined in a bed by her lonesome.

" You're always welcome to join next year. " Byulyi jokes weakly, since that night at the pier, it's become her personal yet almost impossible goal to get Joohyun to change her mind about Eden.

Joohyun tenses up and exhales softly, the words leave her mouth before she can even stop herself.

_ " Maybe. " _

Maybe. This one word from the vocalist lights a hopeful fire in Byulyi's heart and she clings to it desperately. Maybe she would consider staying. Maybe she would stay.

_ Maybe — a word that could mean everything or nothing at all. _

" That's a big jump from a harsh no. " the rapper notes with a huge grin on her face, with this newfound hope, she feels brave enough to finally look her companion in the eyes.

Joohyun has always been a quiet person, she hides her feelings behind her enigmatic facade and it's like no one knows what she's thinking exactly. But her eyes convey more than words ever could, with her gaze locked onto the rapper’s gentle eyes, she no longer feels the fear holding her back.

Byulyi watches the vocalist carefully, wondering if the next words that come out from her mouth would dash what little hope she's holding on to.

_ " You're changing me, Byulyi. " _

For Joohyun, confessing to Byulyi is much easier than admitting the truth to herself. 

She likes Eden, she loves it. She loves the Saturdays she spends with Byulyi, she loves their talks, her presence — _and maybe Byulyi too._

But every time she thinks about passing over, she thinks about the lifetime she's spent with Seulgi and it holds her back from this paradise. How could she live in a world without Seulgi? How could she go back on her words like this? 

_ How could she ever love someone other than Seulgi? _

" Is that a bad thing? "

Joohyun draws a shaky breath and exhales through her nostrils, _" I don't know. "_

" We can talk about this, I'll be here for as long as you need. " Byulyi smiles hopefully as she stands up straight and turns to face the fragile vocalist.

" Thank you. " Joohyun throws herself against the rapper and wraps her arms tightly around the taller girl, it just feels like she needs to do this before her time runs out.

Byulyi reciprocates the action by running her hand down the small of the vocalist's back soothingly while Joohyun has her arms around the back of her neck. The leader inhales deep breaths to slow the intense beating of her heart, wondering if the girl that’s holding on to her is feeling as conflicted as she is. It’s rare for Joohyun to let down her walls and be this vulnerable, it’s a little scary to experience it all first hand since Byulyi has more often than not been the one who needed the reassuring words and warm hugs.

“ It’s okay, Hyun-ah, “ the rapper coos gently, “ I will be here next week and well, _forever._ “

Joohyun buries her face into her shoulder and Byulyi tightens her hold around the smaller woman. At this point, it’s unclear who’s holding who together but it’s evident that they both want this — whatever this might be.

“ Do you think you could fall in love again? “

“ What? “

“ Can you love someone after Yongsun? “

For a few moments, Byulyi is transported back to one of her very last conversations with her wife. She never gave Yongsun a proper answer only because she thought that even if she could love someone else, she’d never want to.

But seasons change and people change.

_ “ I never wanted to but I think I might’ve already. “ _

The leader tenses up and swallows nervously, being vulnerable is terrifying but so exhilarating at the same time. Her virtual heart beats rapidly and she feels her mouth go dry at the thought of Byulyi falling for her, it feels wrong, like she’s breaking the laws of love.

Love isn’t supposed to be like this, what they have is built on the reliance of each other, what they have is the aftermath of two lovers left behind in a perfect forever. _This isn’t love._

_ But if this isn’t love, then there are no rules to be broken. _

" I didn't get you anything for your birthday. " the leader mutters into the crook of her neck.

" What are you going to give me in a world where I have everything? "

The vocalist pulls back from the hug and cups the rapper's face with her freezing hands. She hesitates for a moment when she looks into Byulyi's longing orbs, a reassuring feeling surges through the depths of her heart and she dives headfirst into the unknown.

_ " Happy birthday. " _

Joohyun steps a little closer and presses her lips against Byulyi's and all she can think of is how nice it would be to stay, how nice it would be to continue living. 

_ How nice it would be to love again. _

The rapper’s eyes widen as she processes the situation, as stunned as she is, it feels like she’s floating and drowning all at once. Everything she’s felt about Joohyun, the happiness, the love, the guilt — they make her feel suffocated. A single tear runs down her cheek and she leans into Joohyun a little more, wanting to savour this as much as she can even if she’s left as broken as before at the end of it all.

Perhaps it is an unwritten law of the universe, but nothing good ever lasts. At the stroke of midnight, Joohyun is ripped from her arms and she stumbles to the ground.

Joohyun is gone without a trace yet again, but this time, her absence _stings._ To finally get what she’s been unknowingly craving for yet having it taken away just as quickly feels a little too cruel, if there are faux gods in this faux world, they must be having a blast.

Lying on the ground, she looks up at the darkness of the skies, constellations glittering against the heavens. A slight smile creeps onto Byulyi’s lips and she lets out a bittersweet chuckle. She moves her hands over her icy lips, chasing the feeling of her companion’s soft lips on hers. One thing she knows for sure now is that Joohyun isn’t just a distraction, _she’s so much more than that._

* * *

In the days following Christmas, Byulyi keeps to herself. She doesn’t tell anyone about what happened, she doesn’t talk about the feelings she might have, she doesn’t do anything because really, what could she do? Telling her two chosen family members would only lead to them bombarding her with more questions than she’d ever know how to answer, maybe just feeling her feelings is enough for now.

The guilt of loving another eats her up on the inside but she wants this, she wants Joohyun to stay and they can work out whatever this is. It didn’t matter how it ended, she’d be okay knowing that Joohyun still exists and isn’t just another fragment of her memory.

With Joohyun by her side, she can finally live in a world without Yongsun. Part of her knows she'll be okay without Joohyun too, it all boils down to a matter of time and she has plenty of it. Yet, the other part of her is afraid to go through all the hurt again.

The absence of Joohyun frightens her but what she didn't know is how soon she would face that emptiness.

_ On the first Saturday of the new year, Bae Joohyun isn’t in Eden at 8pm. _

_ 8:05 pm. _

Byulyi sits on the stage in her usual spot, dangling her legs off the edge as she waits. A week has passed since that night and it makes her a little nervous to see Joohyun again. Would it cause a shift in their dynamic? Would they even talk about what happened? They should, right? 

_ 8:10pm. _

Time ticks by and she gets a little antsy, Joohyun has never been late before, she is always here when Byulyi arrives. She’s still not here even though Byulyi expects her to magically appear with reasoning along the lines of a system malfunction.

_ 8:30pm. _

Byulyi doesn’t know what to do, the most logical explanation she has is that Joohyun is avoiding her. It feels like she’s been kicked aside, Joohyun is the one that initiated that kiss, she didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Her thoughts progressively get worse the longer she spends thinking, she’s unable to ignore the worry that’s building up in her chest as time goes on, it looms above her like a grey cloud.

_ 9pm. _

_ Maybe she’s sick. _

It's a thought she doesn't want to entertain but there's nothing to distract her. Joohyun's physical condition has been progressively deteriorating and the handful of months that she has is slowly ticking away.

For a moment, on that empty and quiet stage, she swears she can hear the beeping of Yongsun’s machines again. It feels exactly the same as that hospital room she spent months in, cold and empty with thoughts of death lingering in her mind.

She shakes that thought away quickly, Joohyun wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, right? Of course, she wouldn’t. How could she just leave after they’ve spent the last few months together?

_ Well, Yongsun did leave after spending an entire lifetime with her, why would Joohyun be any different? _

She scoffs quietly and throws a hard slap against her own cheek, she’s ashamed for even having that thought. The physical pain doesn’t help much when it comes to her mind, it’s bent on making her go through every single bad thought fathomable.

She knows Yongsun, but Joohyun? Joohyun is a different person entirely, even after all these months, there are still parts of her that remain an enigma to the rapper. There are certain things they don’t talk about, certain things Byulyi will never understand and these things make her question how much she actually knows her.

_ Who is she to Joohyun anyway?  _

_ Are they friends? Companions? Two lovers? _

She doesn’t exactly know, calling them friends should be the most appropriate label but now, it feels like they’re a little more than that.

Byulyi clutches her fists tightly, her nails digging into the skin of her palms, leaving crescent-shaped marks in their wake. The pain brings her back to reality and away from her spiralling thoughts but they return just as quickly as they left. 

_ 10pm. _

_ Maybe Bae Joohyun died. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, i appreciate any kudos and comments!  
> i-  
> i dunno man. i've been second guessing the direction that this story is going in but i also rly wanted to explore it more? pls share feedback i am kind of insecure >_< ..  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lljldo)


	3. the end of it all

Nothing good ever lasts.

Byulyi should know this better than anyone else. She should know better than to mess with a tourist, even if it’s Joohyun. She should’ve known better than to fall for someone so temporary.

_ Joohyun was meant to be a distraction – not a replacement for Yongsun. _

Some things are just out of her control and yet, she doesn’t regret the months they’ve spent together at all – to hell with her feelings and the confliction in her heart.

Lifting herself up aimlessly, Byulyi decides to head home, she needs to talk to someone to get her mind off things. In times like these, she’s exceptionally grateful that Wheein and Hyejin decided to pass over to Eden with her, at least she didn’t have to be alone with her thoughts. Going home early on a Saturday is an unfamiliar feeling, she hasn’t been back early for months, who would’ve thought that coming home early would be a bad thing?

The two women are idly lounging on the couch, watching a movie from the newer generations with a bowl of popcorn in between them. They alternate between laughing and making shitty jokes about the movie – their mood is a stark contrast to how the rapper is feeling.

“ You’re home early, did something happen? “ Hyejin is the first to notice Byulyi trudging depressingly through the front door.

One look at their unnie’s distraught expression and the two best friends instantly know that something’s wrong. The years they’ve spent together aren’t for nothing because now, the three are practically family. It’s easy to tell when something is bothering whichever one of them and the others would do their best to comfort them. Wheein clears the popcorn and pats the space between them, urging their unnie to join them.

Byulyi feels like crying when she sees the younger woman’s gesture, she collapses onto the couch without a second thought and begins to cry. The two wrap their arms around their unnie tightly, Wheein whispers soothing words while Hyejin pats her head comfortingly while cooing softly.

They’ve seen Byulyi cry a couple of times now, rarely when she was alive, but more often in Eden. It happened a lot more in the beginning, when her heart was heavy with grief and the absence of Yongsun was a little more than she could handle. The two were always there and they always will be, but there’s a limit to their empathy.

Wheein feels it’s a little strange because she hasn’t cried in months, not since she began meeting Joohyun-unnie for their Saturdates. After being friends for a lifetime, Wheein and Hyejin have mastered the skill of communicating without words. The shorter girl shoots Hyejin a confused look and the other girl could only mirror her reaction. They didn’t know why their unnie came home crying and this time, it definitely isn’t about Yongsun.

“ Do you want to tell us what’s wrong, unnie? “ Hyejin asks after Byulyi cries her eyes out for a solid ten minutes and is reduced to a sniffling mess between them.

Wheein hums in agreement as she wipes the tears and snot from Byulyi’s face, “ Only if you want to. “

Byulyi’s breath is shaky but she tries to get a hold on herself, her friends wouldn’t be able to help her if she just continued crying. She exhales deeply and sits up, hugging her knees in the process. Digging her fingernails into her palms, she gains enough courage to speak.

“ Joohyun didn’t show up today. “ 

Wheein and Hyejin understand the situation with one sentence from Byulyi. 

One of the biggest reasons they barely make any new friends is because the strangers they’d have fun with are mostly tourists, so they never know when they’re going to stop showing up. It’s easier to have no strings attached to those on the trial. It’s an unwritten rule in Eden, even when they were tourists themselves, it’s a rule that the residents followed to save themselves the heartbreak and loss. For the most part, the trio is happy to be by themselves, even in death, some things just don’t change.

Byulyi is the first one to break this rule in their group because of Joohyun.

“ Do you know what happened? Did she say anything last week? “ Hyejin tries to ask for more details but Byulyi merely shakes her head.

“ What if she died, Hyejin-ah? Would she just leave without saying goodbye? “ the rapper sniffles as she buries her face in the maknae’s chest. 

“ No, she wouldn’t, “ Hyejin coos reassuringly while stroking her unnie’s head, “ I don’t think Joohyun-unnie would be so cruel. “

“ Maybe something happened in real life, like she’s busy. Maybe her friends decided to visit and she forgets to log in. “ Wheein offers suggestions in an attempt to ease the worries in Byulyi’s heart, though she feels like it’s a futile attempt.

Hyejin nods in agreement, “ Yeah, don’t worry, unnie, I’m sure she’ll show up next week. “

There is no way of communicating with the living when you’re a resident in Eden, so there is no way of finding out what happened to Joohyun.. Ghosts remain as ghosts so the living can continue on with their lives.

The two can’t seem to find the right words to comfort their unnie, but to Byulyi, their presence is enough for now. She stays like that for a while, wondering if she should air all her worries to them, Yongsun would’ve gotten jealous and smacked the living shit out of her. The time ticks by slowly, the two maknaes don’t say anything even though a full hour has passed since Byulyi came home crying.

_Fuck it_ , Byulyi decides, there is no one else left and these two are going to be her companions for however long forever is.

“ I think I’m starting to like Joohyun. “ the rapper confesses after an extremely long period of silence.

The secret that she’s been keeping inside for weeks finally comes to light but she doesn’t know how to feel about all of it, she should feel some sort of relief but all she can really feel is the guilt. She spends many nights ruminating on the reasons why, some nights, she chalks it up to the fact that she’s still living, without Yongsun.

She feels guilty for being happy without Yongsun.

But sitting alone on that empty stage with nothing but her thoughts to swallow her whole, she realises that it’s not because she’s living on without Yongsun, it’s because she’s falling in love with someone other than Yongsun.

Wheein, who is on the verge of falling asleep, sobers up instantly. She stares wide-eyed at her unnie before eyeing Hyejin with a look of confirmation but Hyejin is equally as surprised but hides her shock much better than her best friend.

“ Yah, unnie, are you joking right now? If you are, this is a very elaborate prank … “ the pup-like girl pokes Byulyi in the arm, earning a soft whimper from her unnie.

Without looking up, she answers, “ I’m not, I’m scared she’d leave me like Yong … There’s no logical reason for why I feel this way if I didn’t ...“

She hasn’t talked about this with anyone, not including other friends in this world. Nobody knows how she truly feels until now. 

“ _She kissed me._ “

The instant the words left the rapper’s lips, Wheein and Hyejin are dealt another shocking blow, one that leaves them stuttering for the right words. They’re both speechless to say the least but one look at Byulyi and they know this is real and not a well-executed prank.

“ So … She likes you too …? “ Wheein asks slowly, her eyes narrowing as she picks her words with caution.

Byulyi could only respond with a light shrug, that isn’t exactly the issue right now. “ I don’t know, Wheein-ah … I don’t care if she likes me, I just need to know if she’s still alive. “ 

As much as she’s gone over this so many times, including talking it out with Joohyun, the fact stands that when Yongsun made her choice to leave, it hurt Byulyi a lot, more than she thought it would. She could only lie to herself to a certain extent, but her heart hurts every time she thinks of how easily Yongsun rejected the chance to live forever with her and she’s scared that Joohyun is going to do the exact same thing to her.

“ Yong said she loved me for an entire lifetime but she still left, “ Byulyi tries to speak but she’s choking up on her tears, “ and I know that Joohyun is going to leave too ... I don’t need her to love me if she’s going to leave me. “

Hyejin looks down sympathetically at the rapper, truth is, she didn’t know why their leader chose to leave. She always thought the answers lied between her and Byulyi, but looking at the situation now, maybe there was no reason at all.

“ Joohyun-unnie won’t leave just like that, “ Wheein reassures softly, “ the least she could do is say goodbye. “

“ She won’t leave without saying goodbye. “ Hyejin adds on firmly with a nod, neither of them wants to see their unnie like this.

Byulyi sniffles slightly, wiping away her tears with her knuckles, “ What if she’s avoiding me? What if I never see her again? “

Hyejin sighs softly, it’s a delicate situation but ripping off the bandaid might be better than to let Byulyi wallow in her hurt. “ What can you really do, unnie? If Joohyun-unnie wants to avoid you, there’s nothing you can do about it. But she wouldn’t do that to you, she won’t put you through this if she had a choice. She’ll be back next week. “

Deep down, Byulyi knows that Hyejin has made a good point, but part of her is still terrified that Joohyun has died. She has too many emotions to work through but she tries her best to sort them out bit by bit.

" I feel guilty. " the rapper confesses softly, baring her heart out to the two girls, she needs to talk before her feelings overwhelm her, " I've spent a lifetime with Yong and it's barely been a few years and I'm falling for someone else. I can't help but feel like I'm the bad person here. "

Wheein doesn't have to think long for a response, " What's wrong with falling in love again? Deep down, you know you'll always love Yongsun-unnie and it won't ever change. You liking Joohyun-unnie now doesn't mean you've stopped loving her. "

The shorter girl then nudges her best friend to agree with her, causing Hyejin to hum aloud in agreement quickly.

Byulyi sniffles as she takes in everything Wheein has said, it's true she still loved Yong. Even after all this time, even after processing her hurt, learning to be okay without Yong didn't mean that she's stopped loving her.

" For what it's worth, I think you and Joohyun-unnie could have something special too. " Hyejin murmurs.

" If she comes back even. "

" What are you going to do if she does? Are you going to tell her? " Wheein presses, earning a glare from Hyejin signalling that it isn’t the right time.

" I don't know, Wheein-ah. What's the point of telling her if she doesn't want to stay? Having feelings only complicates things. "

Hyejin exhales softly, " You can be another reason for her to stay. "

" Would she even listen? "

" If she kissed you, I'm willing to bet she has some feelings. Talk it out with her, then go from there. You have to let her know, maybe you can make her want to live. "

“ I hope so. “ she murmurs in exhaustion, feeling emotionally drained from the night she’s just been through.

Hyejin hums softly, patting her unnie soothingly. Byulyi doesn’t try to fight anymore, she has too many thoughts in her head and all she wants to do is shutdown.

* * *

A full week has passed and Byulyi is in a state of wondering if she’ll ever be okay by her lonesome. Without her distraction, it feels like all the progress she’s had with letting Yongsun go is regressing. Her thoughts dart between Yongsun and Joohyun, thinking of either person is equally tormenting so she opts to drink her sorrows away with her alcohol tolerance set to low. 

Saturday arrives quickly because if she’s not blacked out, she’s drinking till she blacks out.

As much as she wants to forget, she can’t forget about her Saturday routine. She miraculously pulls herself together before heading for the stage, if she didn’t, she’s sure Wheein and Hyejin would try to stage an intervention soon enough. It’s been a pathetic week for her and miserable is an understatement of how she really feels.

Some part of her still clings onto the hope that Joohyun will appear again, but the other part is prepared to wait alone till the clock strikes midnight. Then, she’ll leave with a broken heart and a lesson learnt. 

She arrives a little after 8pm, not holding onto much hope that she’ll see the leader. But she’s proven wrong within seconds.

Bae Joohyun stands in her usual spot, waiting for her with a small smile. Seemingly a little weary but nonetheless, _alive_.

Byulyi stands frozen in her spot, relief washing over her while her tears threaten to drown her. Her mind goes blank considering how she’s been picturing and preparing for the worst scenario possible, she hasn’t imagined one where Joohyun actually shows up. Byulyi swallows nervously as the leader approaches her, holding back all urges to embrace her tightly.

“ Sorry I didn’t show up last week, “ Joohyun apologizes as she comes face to face with the rapper, “ I was a little too sick to use the system. “

“ Oh … “

The vocalist tilts her head slightly and cups the rapper’s cheeks with her hands, guiding her eyes to hers. Her absence must’ve caused a shift in their usual lighthearted dynamic, the rapper is never this quiet with her.

Or maybe it’s because of what Joohyun did on the eve of the new year.

“ Are you okay? “ she asks softly, staring into Byulyi’s blank eyes.

_ Okay? _

Okay wouldn’t even begin to describe what she’s been through this past week. She’s been drinking herself to death, trying to run from the thoughts that never seem to stop tormenting her. She’s been making stupid resolutions and writing confessions with nothing but skepticism in her heart because she doesn’t know if Joohyun will ever be back. She’s been punching walls, jumping off cliffs, doing anything to get rid of this heavy burden that comes with the feeling of love.

It’s like being in a nightmare you can’t get out of, it happened with Yongsun before and now it’s happening with Joohyun too.

She hates the feeling of falling in love with someone you can’t have.

Her thoughts are interrupted when she finds Joohyun’s arms wrapped around her. The older woman buries her face in the rapper’s chest and holds Byulyi tightly, offering whatever comfort her presence could provide.

Byulyi blinks a couple of times as she returns to reality, she glances down at the smaller girl who’s holding her with all her might and she exhales softly. Her heart has been through a trainwreck of emotions this week and it’s much too sore to feel anything but fear and worry. She stands frozen in the arms of the very woman who’s caused this anguish, and as much as she wishes her anxieties would melt away with Joohyun’s touch, she can’t seem to relax.

“ I was worried about you … “ Byulyi admits softly without returning the hug, if she isn’t aware of her feelings, perhaps she would’ve basked in the affection.

Joohyun pulls back slightly, her arms still wrapped around the stiff rapper, “ I'm sorry … I’m here now. “ she apologizes with a small smile.

_But for how long?_ The question echos in the rapper’s head for the nth time.

A silence falls upon the duo, neither one is exactly sure what they should do next. Should they talk? Should they pick up where they left off? Should they pretend that nothing happened and resume their routine?

Byulyi didn’t care which they picked, as long as Joohyun is still here, that’s enough for her.

But Joohyun knows what she doesn't want, she doesn't want to be confronted about her actions, not when death is at her doorstep. She wants to live until she can't, she doesn’t want any feelings to get in the way.

So she runs.

" Where are we headed to today? " Joohyun inquires, her gentle voice breaking the tense silence.

Byulyi blinks slowly while her mind processes the situation. Is Joohyun just going to pretend nothing happened? That their kiss meant nothing? Maybe it's the easier way out for now, if not talking meant that she could enjoy Joohyun's presence for a little longer, so be it.

" I've got a great place in mind, * Byulyi says with a small smile, her usual enthusiasm is missing and it doesn’t go unnoticed but Joohyun lets it slide, " let's go. "

The vocalist barely has time to question her companion before the rapper shifts them to one of the many places in her list of distractions.

* * *

The first thing she heard is the loud blaring music, accompanied by the deafening sound effects of the multiple arcade machines going off all at once, it's a lot to take in and Joohyun instinctively cups her hands over her ears.

It's always a surprise when she loads into the world, she never knows where Byulyi would take her but trusted her anyway. Afterall, even if she is terrified, the rapper always has a way to make her feel safe.

An automated welcome message blares from the speakers over the dings of the machines that surrounded them, she only manages to catch a few words like ‘arcadia’ and ‘largest arcade’. The duo stands in the middle of a sea of arcade machines and Joohyun takes it all in with awe in her eyes, she has never seen so many machines at once, not to mention so many people too. 

She tries to speak over the volume of the deafening noise level but the blank look plastered on Byulyi’s face is enough for her to know that they aren’t going to be able to talk at all. An arcade is a perfect escape, neither one of them has to worry about the thoughts that plagued their hearts, all they had to do is focus on having fun. Maybe this is what their relationship should be — fun. No conflicting feelings, no guilt, no anguish.

_ If Joohyun is a distraction, then perhaps things should stay this way.  _

With that in mind, the rapper doesn’t waste any time as she leads them towards a row of horror shooter games.

Joohyun watches as Byulyi plays the shooter games, pixelated zombies appear and the younger woman fires with impeccable accuracy. As impressed as she is, the longer she watches, the more she could feel that Byulyi is trying to lock away her feelings. The crinkle between her brows isn’t from her focusing hard on the game, there’s something wrong between them and she knew the exact cause of it. Could they even get back to where they were before or has she ruined their friendship because of that kiss?

Even if they could fix things, even if they could return to where they were before, would it still be the same? Would the cracks still show no matter how well it’s assembled?

She doesn’t want to lose what they have just yet, so when the ‘game over’ screen appears, Joohyun is already dragging Byulyi to the next game. It fills her with an overwhelming sense of dread that when the night is over, a piece of what she has with the rapper will most likely disappear too.

Byulyi notes the slight tension between them, it’s bordering on bearable but she pushes it to the back of her head. Of course, things aren’t okay but surely they can stay in this state of being somewhere in between for a little longer.

They didn’t have to talk, because talking would ruin it all. Talking would break this barrier of silence that keeps them from baring their hearts out to each other. Talking would only hurt both of them and it's something they both knew. Byulyi treasures every minute, every second of silence they spend together because this could be as good as it gets now. She’s grasping at straws, clinging onto the dimming hope that somehow, Joohyun would stay.

The night passes without the two exchanging a single word, there were occasional high fives when they scored together or playful shoves as they sabotaged each other, but nothing that could break their fragile relationship. Midnight draws close and Joohyun leads them outside, away from the chaos of ghosts chasing after a temporary thrill. 

Byulyi is worried that this would mark the end of her companionship with Joohyun, everything tonight seems to be leading up to one final hurrah. With Joohyun wrapping her arms around her, it feels like it’s the final nail in the coffin. Maybe everything she’s done is to give Byulyi one last good memory together. She didn’t have to tell Joohyun anything, she could get through this without hurting her companion, even if it means having to carry all that hurt alone.

“ I’m sorry. “ the leader murmurs into the crook of the rapper’s neck, burying her face so she didn’t have to look at the younger woman.

Byulyi swallows nervously as she reciprocates the affection, placing her arms around the smaller woman, enveloping her in a tight hug, “ What for, Hyun-ah? “

She knows perfectly well what for, but she wants the answer from Joohyun’s lips.

“ For that kiss, I shouldn’t have done that. “

Questions begin to race through Byulyi’s mind, does this mean she regrets it? Was this all one-sided? Maybe Joohyun never felt the same way at all.

“ Can we still stay friends? “ Joohyun asks in a barely audible whisper.

With the vocalist in her arms, there’s no way Joohyun would be able to see the expression on Byulyi’s face. Or feel her heart shattering into tiny pieces. If this is what Joohyun wants, how could she deny her? Masking all the pain in her chest, she responds with a sad smile, her lips twitching slightly as she lies.

“ _Of course._ “

And just like that, the clock strikes 12 and Joohyun disappears from her grasp yet again. 

Maybe they could never be more than two companions in this graveyard.

* * *

The next weekend, Joohyun doesn't turn up. Byulyi handles it much better than she expects to, she chalks it up to the fact that the older woman is probably sick again — too sick to use the system. The initial fears that the rapper has have slowly faded out of existence and as much as it worries her, she has some faith that Joohyun would say goodbye.

They are friends, afterall. Joohyun wouldn’t just disappear on her. 

Even if she did, she’s going to be prepared for when that day finally comes.

The leader turns up the week after, mumbling another apology as she finds herself in Byulyi’s open arms. Perhaps an embrace is enough to convey all their feelings, a silent ‘I was worried about you’ or a ‘I’m sorry for worrying you again’.

_ Or a longing ‘I wish you’d stay.’ _

“ My hours are being cut, I have to leave at 10 now. “ Joohyun murmurs as she stares blankly at the floor.

Byulyi pulls back from their hug, albeit a little unwillingly, speaking in a teasing tone, “ Not doing so hot, huh? “

The leader offers a small smile and shakes her head, “ Time’s almost up. “

Those very words send Byulyi’s heart to the pit of her stomach, she knows that this is the reality of their situation but hearing it from Joohyun herself feels heartbreaking. Someday soon, she’d have to live in a world without Bae Joohyun.

It makes her tear up. 

She consented to Yongsun’s death and she agreed to let Yongsun leave, so why does watching Joohyun leave feel like it’s going to hurt just as much?

“ Yah … We still have some time, “ Joohyun pulls back upon hearing the rapper sniffle softly, she cups her cheeks with her hands and wipes away Byulyi’s tears with her thumbs, “ I’m still here. “

Byulyi purses her lips and nods, “ Yeah, you are … But for how long? “ she asks a little too coldly, the words slip off her tongue before she even processes what she has just said.

Joohyun is taken aback by the sudden coldness and question, she lets go of the rapper and a slight frown makes their way between her brows. 

“ Until I die, I suppose … “ she mumbles softly, “ You know I don’t intend to stay here … “

Byulyi feels a pang of ache in her chest, similar to when Yongsun told her she’s not going to pass over to Eden. Joohyun is going to leave her like Yongsun, she’s going to be left hurt and crying yet again.

She should’ve seen this coming, she should’ve known.

“ How long? “ the rapper demands, grinding her teeth together as she averts her gaze away from her companion.

Joohyun sighs heavily as she bites down on her lower lip, her doctors have given her a final estimate and the fact that she’s still here is a miraculous feat on its own, “ A few weeks, at most. “

A few weeks. Two weeks? Three weeks?

The uncertainty of it all is so incredibly frustrating. To be so temporary, so fleeting, Byulyi hates it yet she finds herself chasing after the physical embodiment of it. She wants to tell Joohyun how she feels, she wants to be the one who makes her stay, she wants to be someone more than a companion to her.

Yet, Byulyi can’t bring herself to put the weight of her feelings on the leader. The last thing she needs is something tying her to a place she doesn’t want to be. So she swallows her feelings, nodding slowly at Joohyun’s answer.

Maybe she should feel grateful that Joohyun is still standing before her — that she’s still alive.

“ Let’s go make some good memories, shall we? “ Byulyi offers with a shaky breath as she extends a hand out to the older woman.

Joohyun takes her hand with a gentle bob of her head and the pair of companions set off into the unlimited world of Eden for what might be the last time.

* * *

Joohyun shows up. Joohyun doesn’t.

It almost becomes a pattern, one week she’s here and the next she’s not. Byulyi shows up every Saturday and she waits, regardless of whether Joohyun shows up. It feels like time comes to a standstill when she’s alone for the hours she should be spending with the vocalist. In the weeks that the leader doesn’t show up, Byulyi works through her feelings, piece by piece, breaking them down into tiny, digestible fragments for her soul. 

She didn’t want her feelings getting in the way of things, not love, not guilt, all she wants is answers now. She’s had plenty of time to think and overthink and think again, so she knows exactly what she wants. 

All that’s left is what Joohyun wants – even if Byulyi knows the answer all too well, she needs some sort of closure before Joohyun actually leaves.

February rolls by in a blink of an eye, Joohyun is more than aware of how little time she has left. Having to negotiate with her nurses so she can return to Eden is one of the many painful realisations she’s had to face. That and her days going by much faster than she can keep up with. There’s not a moment when she isn’t in pain and sleeping provides more comfort than she’d like, but at least she’s still able to dream.

She tries to be lucid enough on Saturdays, the rest of the week could pass in a haze for all she cares, but not Saturdays. She has to be conscious enough to enter the system, _to see Byulyi._ The young nurse who’s been taking care of her upon admission gives her the clear to enter Eden and she murmurs a ‘thank you’ before loading into the system.

Maybe this would be the last time she enters the virtual heaven.

To her surprise, Byulyi is already waiting for her. The rapper was never punctual for their Saturdates but lately, it seems like she’s always there before her.

“ You’re finally learning to be punctual. “ Joohyun muses with a light smile as she joins the rapper who’s sitting on the edge.

The relief in Byulyi’s eyes is evident and though she tries to smile, the corners of her lips begin to twitch, so she opts to drop it altogether.

“ How have you been? “ she asks while Joohyun settles comfortably beside her, resting her head on her bony shoulder.

“ You already know the answer, Byul-ah. “ the vocalist hums while shutting her eyes.

Byulyi looks down at the small figure by her side and scoffs, “ I think I do but you’re still here. “

“ Yah, what’s that supposed to mean? “ Joohyun huffs as she playfully jabs the rapper in the ribs who responds with a shrill screech. 

Taking some time to calm down and to nurse her ribs, Byulyi speaks gently.

“ It just means that I’m glad you’re still here. “

_ Silence. _

They’ve seemingly put the kiss behind them, but it’s always the little things that makes it seem like they haven’t.

“ Can I ask you something, unnie? “ Byulyi murmurs as she stares into the empty darkness before them.

Joohyun senses the shift in her tone and sits up so she can face the younger woman properly, “ What is it? “

“ Will you come say goodbye before you leave? “

The question takes the leader by surprise, death isn’t as taboo of a topic now that she’s spent a couple of months in Eden, but it doesn’t mean they talk about it all the time. In fact, it’s a topic that rarely comes up in their conversations.

“ I can’t, “ Joohyun responds softly, reaching for Byulyi’s hand, “ if I do, I’ll become a resident. “

_Is that such a bad thing?_ Byulyi wonders bitterly.

She lets the older woman take her hand but the small sign of affection offers barely any comfort.

“ I’m sorry, but it’s just how things are. “

_Is it really?_ She has a choice, it isn’t as if she has to die. Things definitely didn’t have to end like this.

“ I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. “

_Understand?_ What’s there to understand when she’s throwing mixed signals?

" What was that kiss about then? " Byulyi stares angrily into Joohyun's blank gaze, " Help me understand your intentions, unnie. "

The slight raise in her voice makes the vocalist flinch and she could only swallow nervously. She never expected Byulyi to be angry, but she supposes she should’ve anticipated this. What she did isn’t fair to the rapper at all, after seeing how she was like without Yongsun, she had to be a colossal idiot to kiss her. There's only one explanation that would make Byulyi calm and it's not one that she can bring herself to say.

" I don't know. "

Byulyi scoffs incredulously, " You don't know? "

" Where is this all coming from? I thought we've put this behind us? " Joohyun retorts defensively as she looks at the rapper dead in the eyes, It feels like she’s staring into the sun – you know you shouldn’t look but you just can’t seem to stop. 

Byulyi inhales deeply as she tries to control her emotions, she's thought through this in its entirety before, she can do this calmly. " Like you wanted to talk about it, unnie. If I brought it up, would you still come back? What happens when we talk? Don't we end up losing what we have? " she mutters after exhaling deeply.

" So why bring it up now? " the leader asks lowly, she doesn't like where this is going, " We don't need to talk about it since I'm going to die soon. "

The rapper balls her hands into fists and draws a deep, shaky breath into her lungs, she doesn’t feel ready for yet another heavy conversation but if there’s anything she’s learnt from the past few months, it’s that she needs to do this for herself.

" Because I like you, Joohyun! " The rapper explodes in a fury of emotions ranging from anger to being hopelessly in love with someone she shouldn't be, " I hate to admit it but I am, you've become so important to me that I'm scared to live in a world without you. "

Joohyun stiffens at Byulyi’s words, it’s hard to maintain eye contact when she can’t bear to stomach the truth so she averts her gaze to the ground.

The rapper continues speaking, calming down as she tries her best to get through to her companion but her lips tremble as she speaks," You dying is exactly why we need to talk about it, I'm not going to beg you to stay if I know you don't want to. But … it seems like you do. " 

What does Byulyi even know? Just because she likes Eden doesn't mean she has to stay. Some promises still hold more weight over her wants.

" I need to know what that kiss meant … Hyun … I don't want to end up where I was before I met you … " Byulyi's tone weakens as she stares hopelessly at her companion, her voice threatening to crack at any moment, " Can you be honest for a minute ..? Tell me what you really want. "

_ She wants to live. She wants to love and be loved.  _

But she can’t do that without betraying Seulgi. 

A single tear escapes her eye and begins to roll down her cheek as she lets herself imagine a future with Byulyi – _but all she can picture is the past with Seulgi._

The leader bites down on her lower lip, she knows the answer all too well. " I want to live, Byul-ah, " Joohyun replies with tear-stained cheeks, " but I can't go through with it. "

" Because of Seulgi? "

The leader nods meekly as she sniffles, " She was my best friend, we spent our whole lives together. How can I continue to live when I promised her that we would leave? "

" I promised Yong I would be okay without her and I couldn't. I had to die to be able to live in another world without her. Things never go as planned but we find our own ways to cope, to live. "

" Byul … "

" I just want you to live, Hyun, I don't need you to feel the same way, I don't need to be with you, all I want is for you to be alive in this world. " Byulyi swallows as her chest tightens, she reaches for Joohyun’s hand, hoping some affection would ease the heavy tension between them.

The leader turns to face the rapper solemnly, " I like you, Byulyi, I want to live, but I can't … I can't bring myself to do this. "

" I wish you loved me enough to live. "

“ But what we have isn't love. "

It stings. It hurts to hear it from Joohyun – yet she acknowledges it’s true to a certain extent. _It’s not love now, but if they gave it a little time? If they let it grow into something, what would it be then?_

" Then what is it? A fucking friendship? Stop lying to me, stop lying to yourself! " Byulyi snarls, if Joohyun wasn’t going to disappear at any given moment, perhaps she wouldn’t be this desperate to get through to her.

Joohyun scoffs wryly, " We were just two lonely souls in need of a distraction, how could this be love? "

" Why not? " the rapper challenges indignantly.

The vocalist narrows her eyes, " Because I loved Seulgi as hard as I could, this doesn't feel the same. I thought you of all people would understand. "

“ I do, Joohyun. It doesn’t have to be the same, we don’t have to put a label on it, I don’t need you to love me. I just need you to know I want you to stay. “

Her final plea is met with a tense silence and apprehension. Joohyun isn't ready for a conversation like this and Byulyi knows but she couldn't risk going another week without confessing.

Their Saturdate ends. It might be the very last one too but neither one can bear to spend another minute in the other’s presence.

They part ways, Byulyi disappears with a teleport and Joohyun returns to her aching body.

If this is their last memory together, all Byulyi can think about is how much she’ll regret it. She would’ve chosen the good ending, an ending where they don’t finish things in an argument and heartbreak.

She would've let Joohyun go instead of trying to hold on to her precious distraction.

* * *

It’s expected when Joohyun’s condition heads for a sharp decline, it’s tough to continue living in a body that’s ready to die. She spends most of the week flitting in and out of consciousness, but her condition manages to stabilize a little when a dear friend comes to visit. The leader’s health has been steadily deteriorating and it doesn’t come as a shock to Seungwan who has travelled from the city just to visit her unnie in the countryside for what might be the last time.

“ You didn’t have to come all the way here, Seungwan-ah, “ Joohyun shakes her head at the aged vocalist sitting across her, “ I would’ve been fine with a video call. “

“ It’s no trouble, it’s been a while since I’ve visited you anyway. “ Seungwan smiles as she pats the older woman’s arm lightly, " When was the last time those two have visited? "

" A couple months, but it's okay, they have their own family after all. "

" You haven't updated them on your condition, have you? "

" They'll know once they call, I just don't want to worry them. "

" Yet you worry me. "

" Because you're my Seungwannie. "

" Yeah, yeah. Want some fruits? "

The leader nods gratefully as she relaxes in her bed, unfortunately for her, her lungs haven’t been doing as well, so she’s unable to go anywhere without respiratory aid, hence she’s bedbound for a little. Seungwan busies herself with cutting apples while Joohyun stares out the window, watching the snow fall against the warm sunlight. It’d be a lovely day to be outside even though she knows it’s way too cold for her, merely being able to feel the cold winds or the warm sun on her skin would feel like a dream come true.

“ How have you been feeling? “ Seungwan asks casually as she offers some fruit to her unnie.

Joohyun gratefully picks a small piece and shrugs, “ Not the best, it’s been getting worse lately but I’m still hanging on. “

“ How are things in Eden then? " Seungwan continues her questioning after an understanding nod, Joohyun had told her about the trials in the weekly phone calls they have been exchanging.

" It’s alright, the usual I suppose, it’s fun. “ Joohyun responds calmly, the memory of the kiss she shared with Byulyi lingers at the back of her head.

The vocalist nods slowly, " What about Byulyi-unnie? "

Joohyun hums with a slight smile as she reaches for another piece of apple, " What about her? "

“ How is she doing? “ Seungwan shrugs, prompting her unnie to share a little more about the ghost she’s been talking so much about.

Joohyun crunches on the fruit while she avoids the suspicious gaze of Seungwan, “ I don’t know what you expect me to say, she’s the same I suppose, you don’t really change in Eden. But, time does pass much faster with her around. “

" I'm a little hurt you didn't ask me or Sooyoung and Yerim to join you. " Seungwan pouts as she leans back into her chair, the trio aren't exactly active users of Eden though they've made plans to pass over.

" She's a resident there so she knows the world much better than you three would. " Joohyun sticks her tongue out cheekily, it's a mildly comical sight coming from an aged woman who can't exactly breathe without her nasal cannulas. 

The younger woman sighs and shakes her head with an amused smile, " I'm glad you're having fun, what do you guys even do? Eden feels a little overwhelming because there's just so much you can do. "

Joohyun is silent for a moment as she tries to recall all the activities they’ve done together, her memory isn’t as sharp in real life but she’s sure once she’s in Eden, she’ll remember it all. 

" I don't really know how to explain it, she takes me around and we do fun things. We live, we do things that we should've done. " the leader shrugs casually.

" To live only after you die, is this what our world has become? " the vocalist jokes with a small laugh.

The older woman nods with a wry smile, " One life is never enough for some. "

The two women settle into a comfortable silence, to have physical company by her side is enough for Joohyun. But for Seungwan, she's painfully aware that this could be her final visit and it takes a lot of self-control to keep herself together.

" Have you thought about changing your mind? " the younger woman questions softly, the mood taking a more solemn turn.

The leader quirks an eyebrow at the sudden question, " To pass over? "

" Mhm, it sounds like you like Eden. " Seungwan hums softly.

" I do like it … But I just can't. " Joohyun exhales with a small sigh.

_ How could she live when Seulgi is no longer here. _

" I don't think Seul will be upset if you chose to stay … Plus, the rest of us would be more than happy too. " the vocalist murmurs with a small smile, hoping that her unnie would be tempted to stay now that she's been to Eden.

" Wannie, I'm not going to betray Seul like this. " her body may be weak but her voice is firm.

Seungwan exhales deeply through her nostrils, " Changing your mind after experiencing something isn't a betrayal, it's not like you signed a contract or anything. "

" What are you trying to say, Seungwan? " Joohyun questions in a warning tone, narrowing her eyes.

_ " That you should continue living. " _

Of course. Of course, Seungwan would try to get her to stay as well. The rest of the group had agreed to pass over, except for the two of them. The tiny vocalist had been trying to convince them to change their minds for the longest time but Seulgi's death cemented her choice.

" I'm not going to go back on my words, Seulgi and I talked about this, how can I tell her that we'd die together but continue to live? " the leader speaks in a harsh tone as she glares at her dear friend.

Seungwan licks her lips uncertainly and reaches for Joohyun's hand, squeezing it reassuringly, " But Eden seems to make you happy, after you started your trials, you seem more cheerful. "

_ " What do you even know? " _

" I don't know, unnie. I don't know what it's like to love and lose someone, I don't know what it's like to continue living without them, but what I do know is that Eden makes you happier. " the younger woman speaks in a gentle tone, she didn't want her last memory with Joohyun to be an argument, or rather, she didn't want this to be their last memory, " You've been closed off after Seul died and you haven't been like yourself. Whatever's going on in Eden has a positive effect on you, why not stay a little longer? "

This earns a bittersweet chuckle from Joohyun, " Because Seulgi isn't here anymore, Wannie. I love Eden, I love the people, the food, the fun. I love living but I don't want to live in a world without her. "

" The fact still stands that she's gone, but you don't have to fade away with her. "

" Why are you so bent on convincing me to pass over? " the leader raises her voice slightly, this isn't a conversation she wants to have.

Seungwan ignores it all though, she continues on, " I don't want to see you leave this world sad, unnie. When you die, shouldn't you leave on a good note? "

" Wannie … "

" You've accepted Seul's departure, but it still stings. Is this really how you want your life to end? "

" When it ends, I won't feel any pain. It'll just end. " Joohyun responds sharply, looking away from the younger woman.

" End it on a good note, there's no reason you should leave like this when there's a chance to make things better. "

" It's not just about that … "

" Is it Byulyi-unnie? "

Joohyun nods silently, she's been afraid to talk about it to anyone because of the guilt that weighs her down.

“ What’s really going on between you two? “

“ I kissed her. “

Seungwan furrows her brows though she's not too surprised, hearing it from Joohyun's lips still stings a little. She's spent a lifetime beside Joohyun, loving gently without ever getting in the way of what she has with Seulgi. And now that Seulgi's gone, off she goes into another's embrace. But if Byulyi can make her want to live again, she would do anything to help.

" So there is something going on between you two and it's more than just friendship. " the vocalist says in an uncertain tone, it's more of a statement than a question and she frowns slightly.

Joohyun licks her lips and shrugs, " I don't know what it is, it doesn't feel right. I don't know why I did it. "

" You feel things for her? Like you do with Seul? " Seungwan tries her best to figure out the situation, afterall, love is messy sometimes.

" It's not the same … I loved Seulgi and Byulyi could never replace her. "

" Of course she couldn't. " Seungwan begins to say softly, * Nobody can replace Seulgi because she was her own person. I have lived through your love and if you're going to compare what you had with Seulgi and whatever you currently have with Byulyi-unnie, you're never going to resolve this. "

" But I don't love her, what we have is just out of need, not out of love. We both just needed someone. “ the leader reasons in a serious tone though she doesn't quite believe her own words, she has to cling to this truth because anything other than this scares the hell out of her.

The younger woman nods slowly, " Maybe … But who said that love can't come out of this? You're allowed to fall in love again, unnie, you don't have to feel guilty. "

" I don’t want to hurt her, Wannie. I know I don't love her like I loved Seul. "

" But that doesn't mean you can't love her. You can't compare love because they're different, how Seul loved you and how Byulyi loves you is different. They are two different people, with different things to offer. And your love for them will be different, you can't love someone else with the love for another. Just because it's different doesn't change the fact that love can exist in many forms. "

" Wannie … "

" Stay for a little longer, unnie, I know you want to live. I want to see you live too. "

They don't talk much after that, it's time for Seungwan to leave anyway. After a warm embrace and a promise that she'd come back to visit soon, Joohyun is left alone in her cold and empty room.

She thinks about death in that moment, she's come to accept it as a fast-approaching reality and it's not like it doesn't scare her but it feels like when it finally does take her, she'll be ready.

Seungwan's words linger in her head for a long time and so do thoughts of Byulyi.

Perhaps she could see a world with just the two of them.

* * *

_ Joohyun stops showing up. _

Little does Byulyi know, Joohyun is on the final stretch of her life. Her doctors have prohibited her from Eden, even an hour inside could mean a harsh decline in her condition and it’s something they refused to risk for something so trivial.

But how would Byulyi know? All she knows is Joohyun stopped turning up and that could only mean one thing — _Joohyun is dead._

A terrifying reality, one she never wanted to face, but sometimes you can only stand and watch it all fall apart.

A world without Bae Joohyun doesn't feel that different from a world without Kim Yongsun. It hurts almost as much, feels equally as bleak and there's nothing to look forward to anymore. Byulyi despises Eden on days where she misses Joohyun a little more, if she had gone with Yongsun, she wouldn't have to go through this twice.

But if she had gone with Yongsun, she wouldn't have experienced the months with Joohyun. 

Relationships come in the form of a double-edged sword and as much as she hates how it hurts, she refuses to give up the happiness that comes with it. It’s hard convincing herself that the pain and grief is worth it, but at the end of the day, she figures she’ll be okay to some extent.

And if she isn't? Her existence could be erased with just a few taps.

Though she highly doubts that Wheein and Hyejin will let her leave that easily. Byulyi spends the next few weeks wondering if Joohyun would come back, but when she doesn't show after the third week? That's when her worries start to kick in and all she wants to do is hide from it all.

It doesn't hurt at first, it begins with denial. Half-hearted attempts at convincing herself that the vocalist would return the next week. It slowly fails as she starts to see a different reality. Then comes the numbness, she prepared for this very scenario. She knew that Joohyun would leave but fucking hell, she had been banking all her hopes on her staying.

And now that she's really gone, maybe she wasn’t as prepared as she thought she was.

Grief washes over her at some point and she seeks solace in her family, even if they couldn't make things better, at least they'd weather the storms with her.

To hell with this illusion of a perfect forever, this world is just as real as the previous and it hurts just as much.

* * *

A little under a month has passed when Seungwan returns, this time with unwavering certainty that it’ll be her final visit. The weather is slowly beginning to warm up so it makes her journey here less taxing. To see Joohyun rendered so vulnerable isn’t something she’d like to see, but knowing that she’ll be in a better place soon offers some comfort.

" Is this what you really want, unnie? " Seungwan asks in a gentle voice, lightly squeezing Joohyun's wrinkled hands for some reassurance.

The leader couldn't speak due to how weak she is, so a mere nod would have to suffice, She vaguely registers a new presence in the room but still tries to catch a glimpse of them anyway.

Turning her head, she sees Yerim entering the room, shuffling across the tiles with a small smile. The atmosphere in the room lightened up a little, afterall, it shouldn’t be a sad day and no one could be upset when Yerim is in the room.

" Everything's in order, Sooyoung's just wrapping things up and we're done. " she informs the room while settling into a chair next to Seungwan.

Joohyun forces a light smile and hopes that the younger woman could feel her gratitude despite how lifeless she must look.

" Are you sure you've got everything in order? All the documents? " Seungwan presses with furrowed eyebrows.

Yerim folds her arms across her chest and rolls her eyes, " Yah unnie, trust us a little, would you? Stop worrying about it. " she clicks her teeth in annoyance.

" I just don't want anything to go wrong, no harm in checking twice, right? " the small vocalist retorts easily with an innocent shrug.

Joohyun watches with an amused smile as the two continue to bicker, it’s been a long time since they’ve all gathered and she misses them dearly. It’s a pity they didn’t try to meet a little more often, but even so, the bond between them remains unchanged. 

Sooyoung enters the room accompanied by the doctors and nurses that have been in charge of her wellbeing for the past few months. 

The end of her life is upon her and the friends that have become family are all here to send her off on her final journey. As solemn as it feels, Joohyun doesn't feel scared to leave, she has nothing to fear knowing what awaits her.

" Are you ready, unnie? " Sooyoung asks as she joins Yerim by Joohyun's bedside.

The leader could only muster a weak nod and her nurses are quick to start the process. She reaches out for their hands as her oxygen mask is removed, it’s comforting to know that they’ll be here with her till the very end. 

" I will … see you guys on the other side … " Joohyun wheezes as she smiles at her dear friends who are trying their best to hold back their tears to no avail. 

It's a day to be celebrated as much as it did signal the end of her life, they knew that as well but to them, death could never be viewed as anything other than tragic.

Amidst the sniffling of her friends and the soft conversations of her doctors and nurses, her eyelids begin to grow heavy and her mind begins to slow. Joohyun doesn't try fight it, she embraces the darkness and in that void, she wonders if Byulyi is still waiting for her.

With the gentle glow of sunlight pouring through the windows, the room goes quiet as they mourn the loss of someone they have held dear.

_ Bae Joohyun has died. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, i genuinely appreciate all the support that everyone has left here.   
> have lots of feelings regarding this fic but i told myself i wouldn't ramble in the end chap notes so!!!  
> here's a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4ZWkxDSgTIDsyeMBoyHpoy?si=nP0i0XENTQ-Pfn6Y77SV_g) that accompanied me as i wrote this angsty crap for the past few months.  
> probs going to ramble on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lljldo) instead hehe.


	4. a perfect forever

Life beyond the veil shouldn't feel foreign to Joohyun at this point but when she steps into Eden and feels the warm sunlight against her skin, it feels like she's a stranger to this world.

The vocalist finds herself standing in the middle of a small garden. It's been months since she's been outside during the day and all the sensations feel extremely foreign to her. The gentle breeze, the slight rustling of leaves, the warmth of the sun gracing her skin — she's glad that she chose to pass over.

Even if it's false, even if it's just an illusion, there's nothing stopping her from appreciating the beauty that lies behind it.

Drawing a deep breath into her lungs, she can't help but let a grin slip. Perhaps she loves living more than she thought, a fact that has become easier to accept with the help of her beloved companion.

And speaking of said companion, Joohyun is aching to see her. Though it’s been barely a few weeks since their argument, it feels like it’s been an eternity since they've last met. There's no way she would willingly traverse this world without Byulyi by her side.

She makes a guess of where the rapper would be and hopes that she'd get it right. It takes a few tries, but eventually, she finds her companion sitting at the pier where they bared their hearts out to each other so many months ago.

Byulyi sits with slouched shoulders on the edge of the rotting dock, seemingly in her own world. Joohyun dreads to imagine what her companion must be going through upon her absence and with how they left things? She highly doubts that an apology would suffice — but lucky for her, she has all the time in the world to make up for it.

Joohyun makes her way down the wooden platform and her companion registers her presence as soon as the wood begins to creak under her weight.

" I said I wanted to be alone. " the rapper calls out in irritation as she continues to stare blankly into the vast ocean before her.

It feels horrible to be the cause of someone's anguish, especially someone she cares about. No words feel appropriate for a situation like this, not like she’d need words to convey her feelings either. Joohyun makes her way closer and crouches behind her companion, hesitating for a moment before sneaking her arms around the rapper's back. 

" Yah! Wheein-ah, I don't want to– " Byulyi grumbles while she attempts to struggle out of Joohyun's grasp.

The leader only tightens her hold but the rapper manages to manoeuvre herself to face this unwanted presence.

Byulyi's eyes widen with disbelief as she takes in all of Joohyun, crouching in front of her, with her arms wrapped around her neck.

" I'm back. " Joohyun mumbles with a small smile.

The rapper goes through a huge range of emotions in a split second, shock, disbelief, skepticism. For a moment she wonders if this is a hologram or an AI that Wheein and Hyejin have conjured up to help her cope with her grief.

But her doubts disappear when Joohyun talks, Byulyi recognizes that she's real. The way her lips tug upwards into a slight smile when she speaks, the worry hidden behind her dark eyes, the warmth of her touch as her fingers find her way down her cheek — there's no way they could've faked this.

" _Unnie?_ " the resident's lips tremble as she speaks, still trying to accept that this is real.

Joohyun nods as she kneels before Byulyi, cupping her face gently, " I finally died. " she mutters with a wry smile.

“ How are you here ..? “ the rapper could only manage a quiet gasp. She’s spent the last few weeks mourning over the loss of her companion only to have her appear as if nothing has happened, she’s been through a lot in her life but this was just plain cruel.

“ I passed over, “ Joohyun responds, “ I couldn’t leave you behind. “

Byulyi swallows her tears, the questions racing through her mind helps her hold herself together even though all she wants to do is fall apart in Joohyun’s arms.

“ Why? “ she mumbles weakly, “ I thought you would’ve left … “

The leader gazes upon her companion longingly, she's spent her last few lucid moments on soul-searching and coming to a conclusion. In her dying haze, it's hard for her mind to think about anything properly, yet her head was filled with worry, wondering how Byulyi is coping in Eden. That alone helped her to see what she truly wants.

" Because you make me want to live again, Byulyi. I don't know how long I'll stay, but for now, I want to live in this world with you. "

Hearing those words, seeing Joohyun alive again, it's all too much for her. A wave of relief washes over her and she lets herself crumble, tears pushing past her lashes as she seeks solace in the arms of her companion. Joohyun takes the broken rapper into her grasp and plants a soft kiss on the top of her head. They have a whole eternity to figure out what this relationship is, for now, all she wants to do is be here for Byulyi.

Maybe she could fall in love again, maybe she already has.

* * *

" So what is this? " 

" Us? "

" Mhm, what are we? "

" Friends? "

" Yah, are you kidding? After everything we’ve been through for the last few months? " Joohyun frowns as she looks up at the rapper.

They’ve spent the whole day in each other’s presence, doing the most mundane of things like cuddling because they finally have the luxury of time to do so. Without the worry of the expiry of her life lingering at the back of her head, Byulyi can finally enjoy Joouhyun’s presence to the fullest. And there’s no other way Joohyun would rather spend her first day as an official resident. Even as the sun goes down, it doesn’t feel like they’ve made up for lost time just yet. 

So there they sit, on the Loser Crew's unbelievably comfy couch, wrapped up in each other's embrace after binging movies for the whole day. The clock has ticked past midnight and Joohyun snuggles closer to her companion, inhaling her scent and soaking in the warmth only the rapper can provide. It's hard for Byulyi to believe that she went from crying about Joohyun to having her all to herself in a span of a day.

" Best friends? "

" Moon Byulyi ... "

" Okay, okay. Best friends for life? I'll even pinky promise on it. "

Joohyun responds with a scoff and rolls her eyes in mock annoyance. " I didn't pass over so you could make a fool out of me. " she huffs as she buries her face in Byulyi's chest.

" More than friends but less than a couple? " Byulyi muses after thinking hard for a couple of minutes, resting her chin on the crown of Joohyun's head.

" So we're something, but also not quite? "

" Do we really need a label? "

" No … But when the rest of the members pass over too, they'll ask loads of questions. I can already hear Sooyoung and Yerim in my head. "

Snorting lightly, Byulyi responds with a shrug, " We'll figure it out then, provided if we figure our feelings out before then too. "

" Okay, best friend for life. " Joohyun sticks her tongue out as she breaks into a quiet giggle.

The rapper rolls her eyes and groans, " We're scraping that, you might as well call me by my full name. "

Joohyun smirks while her eyes linger on her companion's features, her gaze is drawn to her soft lips and she grins. " Don't regret this, Moon Byulyi. "

" I won't, Bae Joohyun. " Byulyi retorts as she cups the leader's cheeks and leans in for a quick kiss, leaving her stunned and stuttering.

* * *

To live a life with someone other than the significant others they vowed to love took a little adjusting. Granted, they’d still miss their lovers, Seulgi still pops up in Joohyun’s dreams every once in a while as did memories of Yongsun for Byulyi. 

But time eases everything and what was a could have been slowly grows into something more than mere companionship. It takes a few months for Joohyun to realise that she's capable of loving more than one person, even if she did pour all her love into Seulgi, she would come to love Byulyi just as much.

With Byulyi, it's easy to see how different Joohyun is from Yongsun. Yet none of it matters because they are two different people who appeared at two very different points of her life, it's hard to say where she'd be if neither of them had been there.

Footsteps interrupt her train of thought and she turns to see Joohyun sliding the glass door open with a warm smile.

" Why are you out here? " Joohyun finds her beloved companion standing at the balcony of their shared apartment, the weather is much too cold for her liking.

Byulyi shrugs lightly as Joohyun wraps her arms around her waist and she tries to warm her companion up, " It's a nice day out. "

" It's freezing out here, what were you thinking of? " the leader nudges her with a knowing look.

Joohyun slowly got better at reading Byulyi's expressions the longer they spent together, it's not a bad thing but she's scarily accurate at times.

_" Us. "_

The older woman hums softly as she joins the rapper in her idle gazing. " Are you ready for the rest of it? "

" I think I am. " Byulyi nods firmly as if she's never been more certain about anything in her life.

Joohyun murmurs as she leans against Byulyi, " So am I. "

" Guess we can tell everyone we're finally dating. " the rapper snickers, her heart is leaping for joy despite how casual she sounds.

" Did those three pressure you for an answer? " Joohyun exhales as she thinks of her members that have passed over recently, she suspects that they could've contributed to Byulyi's decision.

The younger woman cringes and raises her shoulders slightly, " Seungwan is much scarier than I remembered her. But either way, I wouldn't want to spend an eternity without you. "

" Glad we're on the same page. "

The rapper lets out a hearty chuckle while looking down at the small woman in her arms. If anyone told her a year ago that she'd be with someone other than Yongsun, she wouldn't have believed it — part of her had long resigned to the fate of having to navigate Eden with only Wheein and Hyejin.

But now, she couldn't be happier to have Joohyun with her for however long an eternity is. Maybe at some point, they would leave, but it's not something they'll think about any time soon.

For now, to be two lovers living out a semblance of a perfect forever is enough for them.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehexd it's done.  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/lljldo)  
> [alt ending](https://twitter.com/lLJlDO/status/1288272502767017984)


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